It is not a good day today. All morning I’ve been trying to hold it together. I’ve been trying to calm myself down and to correct my thoughts. I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT. It’s too intense. And even when I change the thought and keep repeating a better thought in my head, the physiological feelings don’t stop and I can’t maintain the positive thinking and I just lose it! I don’t know why this is happening. I have a great day yesterday. I took my daughter and her friend to SkyZone. She earned it because she was awesome this past week. Her friend decided to sleep over and I took them to Infinitos. I’ve never been but my daughter loves it there and has been wanting to go. I was really nervous at first when we parked because the place was a lot bigger than what I imagined and it was very busy. I did it anyway and we ended up having a great time. Now today I’m just going crazy. I almost cursed some old lady out in the grocery store. Her and about one other person per aisle that I came across through the rest of the store that pissed me off. People have absolute no sense. Leaving their god damn carts in the middle of the aisle while they look for things. Walking so fucking god damn slow. I just can’t stand it. People have no courtesy for anyone else. They think they’re the only people that exist.
I’m losing my mind. Old thoughts were coming into my head today and they’re driving me crazy. They aren’t just fleeting thoughts. They bring a volcanic eruption of emotions with them the very split second that they come into my head. I don’t even have time to try and fight them off and use any kind of fucking skill because they just hit out of fucking nowhere and in a fucking instant, I’m all sorts of enraged and suicidal. The pain today is outrageous. I want to SH. So badly. I’m trying to resist. I’m trying but fuck I feel like giving up for the day. I don’t have the energy to fight it right now. It’s way too strong. No one fucking gets it and I’m tired. I’m tired of being misunderstood. I’m tired of the shit advice people give that clearly just don’t fucking get it. I just want to run away and disappear. I don’t want to know anyone. I don’t want anyone to know me. I just want to die alone.
I want to cry. I don’t know where all of it is coming from. I’m so tired of trying to appear fucking normal so I don’t scare people but I just don’t fucking care anymore. Not to mention I am ALWAYS with my kids. I have no time to let out my fucking crazy but then again I don’t like being alone because it scares me. I’m just going nuts! I want help. I need help. I don’t know what kind I just need this to go away. If I didn’t have my kids, I’d fucking swallow this whole god damn bottle of pills in hopes that they’d just work instantly and ease the pain.
I’m going to the bathroom now to cry. I can’t hold it in anymore.