Well I hit rock bottom. Except this time once it was over, I didn’t come back. I feel like I’m lingering right above rock bottom, ready to fall again at any moment. I’m sort of numb yet still very much hurting. I think my mind is trying to turn off emotions because they’ve just been traumatic to handle today. I can still feel that they’re there though. The numbness is just acting as a dam and I just never know when that dam will break and it’ll all come back.
It was hard. I stayed in my bathroom in my bedroom for awhile. I’m not sure how long it was. I played music to try and block out my sounds from my crying and to try to drown out the noise in my head. I cried. I cried a lot. I thought about dying. And then that terrifying panic set in and I freaked out in the bathroom for a few minutes. Clenching to my pink towel, pulling in distress at my hair and pacing and laying on the floor rolling around in agony. I held my blade the whole time. I threw it a couple of times. I screamed into my towel and bawled my eyes out and tried to breathe. Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to SH. At that moment it was the best I could do. I wanted to die but I know that wasn’t the answer and I remember I can’t do that, but I couldn’t keep on like I was either. So I did it. Within seconds the tears slowed down and I felt “better”. Not panicked anymore. More numb. Less intense. It was worse than what I’ve done recently and that sort of scared me, but it gave me some relief. And with that I was able to collect myself and leave the confines of my room and go get some cleaning done.
I still don’t feel all too great. I asked my boyfriend to come hold me. I debated asking him. I’m not sure if its good or if it’ll make me feel worse. He said he will. I hope I’m not burdening him. I don’t want to continue writing about this because there’s been triggers all day about some things. And I don’t like them.
I just want to sleep tonight. I hope I can.