Breaking the Silence

Sorry I’ve been quiet.

Things have been ok. I haven’t flown off the handle at all for two weeks today…except for maybe today. Not sure what is to thank. Therapy is going well so I think it helps knowing that each week I will be seeing someone who is helping or will help. We’ve been working on some cognitive distortions and finding ways to calm my anxiety.

I start with a new family doctor soon for my med follow-up. I may request Abilify. I’m not sure if Depakote is helping? I can’t tell. The only thing I know is it makes me very very tired all of the time. There are also some side effects that really worry me and I’d rather not have them hanging over me, but we’ll see.

I’m not sure how things are with my boyfriend. I think they’re good. We haven’t gotten to spend much time together lately I don’t think. He is away this weekend and I haven’t heard from him. I hope he’s ok. Maybe he just doesn’t have service but usually he hikes to find service and text me at least once or so. But I’ve heard nothing. It’s really triggering me. I am sick to my stomach with anger and paranoia. I keep obsessing over it in my head and I’m mad at him and want to just ignore him for awhile if he does text me or whatever. I want to cry. Maybe he’s leaving me. Maybe this is the start of goodbye and I should just figure I’ve already got a couple of days into living life without him so I should just keep moving.

I think things are going “too well” in therapy. I’m not sure what my therapist thinks, but this is sort of normal for me. I am always great in the beginning. I think it’s a facade. It pisses me off. I don’t do it intentionally. That evil thing in me just pulls my strings and lets things be great so everyone thinks I’m fine, no one takes me seriously, and they all just slowly leave me be because they think I don’t need help. Then it starts torturing me again.

God I’m sick. I wish I could just change my number and move away and disappear from everyone. I want a dog. I love animals. I worked a little overtime this morning which was nice. My boss even showed up at the office and it was interesting because he thanked me for coming in so early to do some OT. I didn’t understand that but I guess it was nice. I really can’t have a dog right now. I don’t have the time to give to it and that wouldn’t be fair to the dog. One day.

I don’t feel good inside. That poisonous feeling again. Like I just got infected with a death serum that goes right to my brain to fuck me up and make me kill myself. The worst way to die. Hm, I used to think drowning would be the worst way, but no. BPD is the worst way to die. Any mental illness really. Any mental illness that drives you so incredibly insane that you end up killing yourself because you just can’t take it anymore. THAT is the worst way to die. So helpless.

Why does this happen? What is wrong in my head? I don’t think anyone understands šŸ˜¦ I just feel like my brain starts to decompensate, or better yet, to decompose. Like it just starts going haywire. There’s a short in a circuit somewhere and it just starts firing off a bunch of stuff in all different directions and slowly, part by part it starts to shut down or get dysfunctional and throws everything else off. I don’t know how to stop it šŸ˜¦ Does anyone else get this? Anyone? What is it? I feel crazy and no one gets it. I don’t think my therapist gets it either. I tried to explain it to him once but I’m not sure he understood. I told him it’s like when you’re in a video game. And you’re walking through a pretty forest. Suddenly it gets dark. Villains come out from every angle and it doesn’t look like the same place anymore. The entire ‘feel’ of where you are is completely different. That’s what it’s like. Like suddenly my whole world changes. No one is good and everything is out to get me. Like it’s this conspiracy and no one can be trusted. I feel like I need to stay indoors and put my defenses up. I get mean and angry which really is just a front because inside I’m terrified and just trying to protect myself from danger but I can’t let them all know that. They need to know I’m on to them. They need to know that I know that they’re up to something and I WON’T be tricked!!!

I don’t like this šŸ˜¦ Not one bit.

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One thought on “Breaking the Silence

  1. Hey Mandi…. You know…if you ignore those damn words that are bouncing around in your brain long enough…they’ll get bored and go mess with someone else. They are your enemy, not your insight. That goes for your assumptions too. They will hang around as long as you feed them, but if they get hungry, they’ll go to taco bell, instead. Relax…your relationship isn’t over because of a few hours of missed calls. He sounds like an awesome guy. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Oh…and I’m not even going to get started about ‘doubt’…that asshole is a loser! Kiss his sad self out the door. He doesn’t deserve your time. Hugs, Hope

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