Rough morning. Last night was hard. This morning I felt like I was going to explode. I went to work. I tried to work but I just kept catching myself staring at my computer screen and getting lost in my head. I emailed my therapist to see if he had any appointments today and thankfully he did. I left work and took a sick day, and went to see him.
Within the first 5 minutes I had a panic attack. 😦 I thought I was going to just die. I was so paranoid and afraid and confused. Anyway, once it ended I was a little more workable. We talked a little about what was going on in my mind. I felt like we only touched on about 3% of it, but it was still good.
He talked about how everything in life is on a spectrum. He didn’t say it but I know he was talking about black or white thinking. I’m not sure if he did so intentionally, but that’s what it was about. So I struggle with that. I see everything in black or white. You either are something, or you’re not. He mentioned that line from some movie where the girl says, “I’m 99% sure I don’t want to go out with you.” and the guy says, “So you’re saying I have a chance?” I’m so opposite of that. If someone said, “I am 1% sure I don’t want to go out with you”, I would see that as “no chance at all”. It’s so hard for me to grasp and understand that there are spaces in between. Happy doesn’t haven’t to be manic. Sad doesn’t haven’t to be suicidal. For me though, it just is and has always been that way. I’m not sure if I can learn to be different in that way. I’m not sure I can learn to experience emotions somewhere in the gray. Is that something someone can learn? Idk.
Anyway, he said that we got into some deep stuff today. Stuff he isn’t sure is time to delve too far into just yet. He said it’s important to be able to learn enough to be able to get through what is happening right now, before we start really digging into the past. He said from what I told him today, it makes sense why I am the way that I am and why I get these feelings and thoughts.
Well, so here I am. I took the rest of the day off which I needed. I just got some stuff done that needed done. One thing he said that meant a lot, was how I wasn’t given very good care growing up. No one really paid attention to me. For days I’d be in the basement or just, away somewhere, and no one would really check on me. I wouldn’t get included in family dinner time, etc. I was just left. Now here I am, 29 years old, and I’m still longing for someone check on me. To see if I’m ok. To care. But I have two kids of my own. I may not be able to get my childhood back and the things I missed out on truly suck and have left me with some internal struggles, but one thing is for sure. He said, “It ends with you.” I would never do that to my kids. When my daughter storms off to her room, I give her a little bit of time and privacy, but I always reach out to her. Sometimes I go up and ask if she’s ok. Other times I will text her phone from downstairs and just let her know that I love her. I never exclude her. When it’s family dinner time, it is family dinner time. I don’t want to pass those things down to them. I don’t want them feeling neglected or uncared for. I’m not perfect. Far from it. But dammit I try to not do that to them.
That’s probably the biggest thing I need to find a balance with: Dealing with my pain from what I missed out on and what has happened to me, while still giving my kids enough of me. The good stuff.