I feel the need to write. I’m not sure what about exactly. I don’t have a plan for this post so we’ll see where it goes.
I’m still a little off. Going back and forth between the black and white because neither is wholly safe for me quite yet. I really see where being able to be ‘gray’ would really ease a lot of what I go through. The internal battles and all. I know this is where the mindfulness can come in. The Wise Mind. It’s so hard. In either case, this is where I am right now. Jumping back and forth over that line, trying to find my place. I want to be ok but it doesn’t feel safe yet to let go of my ‘delusions’ because I’m just not quite yet convinced that they’re just delusions.
I’m sad. I’m sad that forever I will have to monitor myself this way. I’m sad that I am in this place and that it interferes so much with everything. I’m sad that I may not be suited for relationships. I really want to self-harm. Just to release this last bit of poison that’s inside me. I’m sorry but I think I may give into it tonight.
I still feel the need to cry. Not the kind of crying I often do that is mixed with panic attacks and anger. Just cry. Like a lonely cry until I fall asleep or until the tears just can’t come anymore. I want to be held. I want to be nurtured.
I read something online yesterday that really nailed it. I feel homesick for a place that doesn’t exist. I feel like I am constantly searching for something or someone that will just fill this hole in me, but it doesn’t exist.
I’m sad that this is me. I’m sad that I am this way. I’m just sad. Again, I don’t think these meds do much of anything. I’m trying to be patient and give them some time, but I think I would have noticed more by now. It’s been 3 weeks I think. I may call that new doctor and see if I can bump the appointment up sooner.
Anyway…I have therapy again on Thursday. I’m glad. I wish I could work more from home. I like being home I think. And some days I just need to stay inside. Away from people.
If a second world was created, just for people with mental illnesses, I wonder what it would be like. Do you think we may all be slightly happier there, just knowing that finally for once, we were surrounded by people who understood? In that world we would be “normal”. That constant feeling of being different…I don’t like it. I want to know what it’s like to feel ‘normal’.
I just thought of something I need to write about.