My boyfriend is stopping over tonight. I’m very nervous. Am I ready to see him? What will it be like? I haven’t been well the past few days. There’s a huge war inside. The two sides are battling it out and I don’t know which is telling me the truth. I’m so close to acting out and doing some very destructive things. So far I’ve been mostly keeping control but I’m not sure if I can keep doing it and I don’t trust myself too much. I’m not sure how I feel about him. I mean, I love him. I don’t mean that. I mean, I am so paranoid that he is trying to hurt me. I have been trying to read through old texts and remember good times. It’s like that guy was a whole different person. This guy…I don’t know who he is. He’s “one of them”. I want to feel safe again. Where did that go? I don’t know if these are gut feelings or paranoid delusional thoughts provoking feelings. I am pretty sure that when I feel ok, I am really confident in our relationship. I think so. But what if things were truly ok between us and now they really aren’t and that’s why I am feeling this way? WHAT IF these are real thoughts and feelings based on something factual that I’m just picking up on? How do I know? Dr L (therapist) tells me that it really doesn’t matter. I’m making myself miserable over things I can’t control or prevent. If someone is going to do something bad, they will. It is life. It’s hard, yes, but I am putting all my energy into something I have no control over. I just hate being hurt. I feel like I will die. And I love him. Him. God it would hurt so bad if he turned out to be a horrible man. I respect him so much and trust him more than anyone. It would just kill me. They say if something seems too good to be true it usually is. And he seems it. Very much. It can’t be real.
So I’m worried to see him. I just don’t know what it will be like. I’m nervous. I hope its ok.