What you’ve all been waiting for…

So, I know you’ve all been wondering, sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for my next relationship update. 😉

Well wait no more. Here it is!

We had lunch together today. It was snowing almost all day but he still came out to get me for lunch 🙂 It was good. We laughed and stuff; good times. He updated me on his upcoming schedule (a few months away). It sucks 😦 I’m glad I can start preparing early because that really helps, but it still stinks.

His January is pretty busy. He’s going away like 3 times! Then sometimes I think he said in the Summer or something, he is going to China with his mom. That’s great and all. I mean, I’m really happy for him because he’s wanted to go to China and he seems really excited to explore some things there. He will most likely love it and so for that, I’m so happy for him. Not to mention it’s just great that he has the ability to travel like he does and to do and see so many things in the world that most people don’t have the ability to do.

However, he will be away for 2-3 weeks. 😦 The last time he went away that long it didn’t go well at all. I’m scared. I think I should increase therapy sessions for while he is away. I’m going to need it. I asked him if before he goes if we could come up with a plan. He said yes, though it is hard to do that because he has no idea what to expect when he gets there. The time zones are different and who knows what reception will be like. I pretty much concluded that maybe it’ll be best if I simply expect not to hear from him at all until he comes back home. Then, bonus if I do, but I won’t be hurt if I don’t.

It’s so hard for me. When he goes I think/feel like he forgets that I exist. It’s like I die and he just moves on with life. Anyway…I need to prepare for this. I really want to be ok. Not just for me, but for him. I want him to not worry and I want him to come home to a happy and stable me who is simply excited to see him.

😦 I’m scared.

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What do you want from me?

I need to vent.

I love my job and I love my boss. His boss is also very nice but there’s something about the way he talks to me (he does it to everyone) that just leaves me on the verge of tears after every single interaction.

Not long after I first started in my position, he sent me this email with some areas of improvement that he’d like to see. He actually was incorrect about his understand of the things he pointed out and so I politely clarified why those things were done but also said that I will keep his suggestions in mind because ultimately I’d like to be good at what I do. Surprisingly enough he actually replied and sort of reneged on what he said which made me feel a little better but still unsettled at all that he was so closely monitoring my stuff. He’s not even my direct boss so it just caught me off guard.

Later in the week I went to my direct boss and asked for clarification on what I was told because the request that the other boss made didn’t make sense to me and wasn’t what I was trained to do. My boss said that I was right and to stick with what I was doing, etc. Relief.

Well today I worked a little past 5pm. My department often works overtime. We don’t have to request the overtime and we all have laptops to be able to work from home as needed. Everything we do is tracked so there’s no mistaking what we’re doing when we are on the clock. It was about 5:20pm (we usually leave at 5pm). I wasn’t in the office on Monday and Tuesday so naturally I had a lot to catch up on. I was only finishing up one last thing and was just about to wrap up and go when he came walking over on his way out and says, “Mandi, it’s time to go home.” I smiled brightly as usual and confirmed that I was just wrapping up and was about to go anyway. He wasn’t mean really with how he said it, but I couldn’t help but think and feel, “What the fuck do you want from me? If you think I’m not caught up, you will call me out on it. Now if I’m here a few minutes after my normal leaving time, you’re telling me to go home?”

Once again, I just wanted to start bawling. He makes me feel like this little kid who just got scolded by Dad. At least that’s how it always felt when I got scolded by my dad. It tears me apart. It makes me feel small and like whatever I’m doing just isn’t good enough. I feel like I can’t win.

Again, he isn’t necessarily mean with how he says things, but there’s this underlying condescending tone that cuts me apart in seconds. I texted the lead (who isn’t really my manager but the lead in our department), and I told her what happened because she often feels this same way with him. She couldn’t believe he said that and thought maybe he meant it more as a “Hey, go home. You deserve it. You work hard and tomorrow is a holiday.” and maybe it just came out wrong. I don’t know!

I’m debating just asking him what he meant by it but I am worried that I’ll just come across as this overly sensitive nuisance who takes everything to heart. Really, I just want to be a good employee and it’s very important to me that my bosses are happy with what I do. If I feel like they are unhappy with me, it really gets to me.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m struggling because this really triggers me; bad.

When he sleeps

Well I’m mostly better today though I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I think my relationship is very delicate right now and I’m worried of ruining it any further.

My boyfriend came over last night. We needed that for sure. It was nice to be with him, especially considering the day I gave us. It was hard though. After such an emotional and yet numb and disconnected day…it was difficult to get through.

No matter how hard I try to build up the walls, to keep them up, to remain distant and detached so I don’t feel a thing, it never fails. I see him in person and everything around me that I put into place to protect myself, just crumbles. And when it crumbles, all that’s left and all it reveals is the very emotional and broken me that I am. It’s like the me to my very core. Confused. Lost. Alone. Uncertain. Afraid. I’ve got nothing but blank stares, tears, and anxiety about every little thing. Like how a cat is when you take it to the vet.

He doesn’t know but when he fell asleep, I just cried. I’m not even entirely sure why. I kept asking myself, “Why are you crying?” but I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know. And all I could think was, “God messed up when he made me. Why can’t I be better?”

It’s scary and it’s the most agonizing invisible pain in the world and I live with it every second; sometimes worse than others, and last night was one of those worse times. We usually lay closely when we sleep. But my need for him, for physically close contact, is overwhelming. I feel like it’s going to completely consume me into non-existence. I so badly want to cry to him and beg for him to just hold me so freaking tightly, like I need him to save me from being consumed by the need and the pain that comes with it, but then I worry it will consume him into non-existence or it will completely push him away from me because it will overwhelm him and he won’t like it. So I lay there..still…and quietly cry and hope it just goes away.

It’s a terrible feeling and writing about it now makes me want to cry again 😦

When he sleeps I feel unreal. He seems real and everything around me seems to have life…but me. Not me. I feel like this odd nothingness and I only I know that I exist. Except I don’t exist and so I’m in conflict with myself. Like in the movie Casper. The ghosts that have “unfinished business”. They exist yet they don’t but they can’t get to where they’re going until something else is finished. That’s how I feel. Like I’m stuck in some weird halfway point between being alive and being dead or never having existed at all.

Sometimes when I’m distant he may think it’s because I’m not interested in him, when really it’s that my need for him is so overwhelming and I’m just trying to shield him and me from letting it take over.

I thought I was doing him a favor…

I am a terrible person.

My boyfriend was getting worried about me…and he said he was sad…and I didn’t respond to his texts. You know? Because I was helping him get rid of me. Well he drove to my house. I was really surprised. He hugged me…a lot of hugging in silence. He asked if I could tell that he cared about me and I said no. I think that really hurt him…? He asked what it would feel like to be cared for, and I was stumped. I have no idea. I mean, I know that there’s been times I felt like he really cared but I can’t remember what it felt like. So he said…if he cared about me, wouldn’t he in fact be there holding me right then? If he cared, wouldn’t he have met my mom like he did? I hardly knew how to answer that. I guess so? I don’t know. What do people do that care about other people? I’ve had people not care and still do things like that. They weren’t actions of caring and love, they were manipulative actions done to confuse me and give me the illusion that the person cared and was on my side when really all they were doing was tricking me so they could use and abuse me.

Then he asked me to hold off on all of this for one day. “This” being my pushing him away. One day. So I said I could and would do that. Then he asked if I cared about him and I told him yes. Of course I do. Can’t he tell??? I was trying to help him get rid of me. I was making it easy for him! The ultimate act of my love for him; ridding of me.

But he said something else then. Something like, it’s not easy to just walk away from someone. That scared me. But then he said…that’s not what people do that care about each other.

I feel like such an idiot. A child. What he said I guess makes sense but that has always been how things were. My dad literally one night just walked out and that was it. There was no goodbye. There was no hug or kiss or reassurance that he cared for me and loved me and that things would be ok. It was a finger in the face “this is all your fault”, and without anything else…the door slammed shut and that was it. The end. That’s always how it’s gone.

I don’t understand this. I don’t understand our relationship. I don’t understand how it works, what things mean or what I’m supposed to do. I think I’m doing him a favor by going away. Helping him to have a better life and to take care of something that I thought he was struggling with trying to do on his own: getting away from me. I guess I showed the opposite but then how do I show him I love him, especially when I’m in these episodes where I’m just hurting so much? How do I hurt but not overwhelm him or worry him or hurt him because he doesn’t understand how or why I am hurting or am completely numb and disconnected and confused about where our relationship stands or how he feels about me?

I feel poisonous to him. He deserves so much better 😦 I am ruining his life but I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to be good.

I don’t understand why someone like him would choose to be with someone like me. How someone like him could care for and love someone like me. Does he mean it when he says he loves me? What does that even really mean…to him? Why is he here. I make it so easy for him to walk away. Why doesn’t he? Who chooses this.

I don’t get it. I wish I was good for him. I wish I understood.

Consider me gone

FUCK!!!!!!

I am SO fucking angry right now. I hate everyone. People just don’t fucking give a shit. I fucking give up on everyone. They can all go fuck themselves. Enjoy your new boyfriend mom. Have great holidays with his family. Enjoy your new husband, sister. Have great holidays with his family. I could have gotten into a terrible accident today but don’t you fucking worry, I am ok. I will walk to work. I will figure it all out by myself. I will leave my car at the god damn dealership and walk my ass back home, except it’s way too fucking far to walk with my kids so I just won’t take it. If I’m lucky, there’s something seriously wrong with my car and it’ll be the end of me. I’m going to just race it down the highway and hope the brakes give out in the best most worst spot ever and I can just drive off the side of a bridge. No one will know any better. “It was her brakes.”.

I don’t need anyone. I won’t annoy you, boyfriend, with my neediness. I don’t need your truck. I don’t need anything. Keep your money. Keep your precious time. “Let me know if you need my help.” You won’t hear from me. I don’t need people. I will do you all a fucking favor and just keep to myself. No more texts to worry about. No more car trouble to make you have to take time out of your day. No more anything.

Fuck everyone. When my kids are grown, I’m fucking out of here. No one will know where I’ve went. I want nothing to do with anyone. Go enjoy your lives and be happy that you didn’t have to figure out how to get rid of me.

Consider me gone.

One of those days

It has NOT been a good day today. I did some crying this morning up in my room. I took my son to the doctor and on my way there my brakes gave out. I have no idea why or what happened. I managed to get to the doctor and then my boyfriend came to get us.

Of course my car acted perfectly normal for him but he drove along with us in his car to get my son’s medicine at the pharmacy and to get home, to make sure we were ok. That was nice of him but he likes helping people. I felt like a burden though and the whole interaction felt like we were just friends sorta.

I think I give up. I just don’t have it in me, and I certainly am not interested in caring for people that don’t care for me in the same way. No thanks.

I tried to work but my mind is so flustered from the stresses of today, I could hardly concentrate. I have one more call to make a little later. I’m not going to worry about getting my time in. I just can’t make it all happen today and tomorrow. My son isn’t allowed to go back to school until Wednesday so tomorrow will be a work from home day too. I’m going to use up the sick time and only fulfill the phone appointments I already have. The rest just will have to wait until Wednesday.

Sigh. If only my son hadn’t been with me and if only my car would have without-brakes made it’s way into the middle of the intersection in front of a speeding Mack truck. My prayers would have been answered.

Discarded and Forgotten

Well I was winning. I ‘was’. I can feel it getting stronger. I hate emotions. I hate feeling sad. I fucking hate people. I’d rather live on a planet all by myself.

It hurts. I hurt. Why am I so easy to forget and disregard, or discard? I feel like yesterday’s news. The garbage in an alley behind some little dirty restaurant. Not even the stray animals want that garbage food because it’s even too gross for them. I feel like the gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. They’d rather trash the whole pair of shoes than try to get the gum off. The gum is so unwanted and just ruins their love for the shoes. Tainted them. But it’s not the gum’s fault that someone chewed them up and spit them out where it’d be trampled on.

I feel like a tumbleweed. Just being blown around with no real direction and no desire to fight back against the wind. Just being taken where it’s blown because it’s already dead and nothing matters anymore. It’s all alone out there.

I feel like a teardrop. Fallen to the floor where it becomes invisible. Blending in with it’s landing to eventually disappear as if it never existed. Accept it did, and it does, but no one knows or cares. And when it landed, although it made a sound, no one heard it. No one hears it when it falls because no one cares enough to listen.

I know next year Thanksgiving I will be on my own. So easily discarded. Put aside. Forgotten.

I really want to die.

Stuck at home

So I picked up my son from his dad’s yesterday. It was dark out so I didn’t see until we got home, that both of his eyes were bloodshot red. I texted his dad to see if something happened and he said that his eyes were like that all weekend. He didn’t know why.

And the father of the year award goes to!? Certainly not him.

So I figured I’d just pay attention to them and see if I notice any other symptoms. Well in the middle of the night last night he wakes up crying. I go into his room and his poor eyes, both of them, are swollen and pussy. Pink eye. Luckily with some gentle words he just went back to sleep and I had to take off work today so I can take him to the doctor, though I will try to work from home a bit.

I love my kids but I really hate being stuck at home on a work day with them. It stresses me out. I want to go to work. Work is my break. 😦

I’m also not feeling too great today. Sad. Let down. Holding back tears. You know, I really do not like life or living. I don’t understand those “love life” type of people. It really sucks. They’re weird.

Is this the end???

I don’t think my boyfriend has enough time for me.

Usually I slip into some crazy episode and I completely fall apart. So far, that isn’t happening. I’m hurting. I’m sad. I want to cry but I’m holding myself together.

I didn’t yell at him, swear at him, ignore him or do any of the things I usually do. Nope. This time, I told him how I felt. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. Most of all I’m just hurt. However, I’m prepared to hear that he really doesn’t have time for me and that he just doesn’t want or can’t have a relationship right now. Or maybe ever, I don’t know. Or maybe just not with me.

I really tried to think about everything. Is it me? Am I being unrealistic with my expectations? I don’t think so. We see each other maybe once or twice a week. Sometimes not at all. Our communication consists mostly and mainly of text messages. Every once in a great while he may call me. I’m not much of a phone talker so I’m cool with texts.

I think most or many girls would be nagging hardcore that he doesn’t spend enough time with them. He’s always working. He never takes them out. Etc. Instead, I only get hurt and upset with he doesn’t send me a text in 12 hours…sometimes more. When we do see each other for the very little bit of time we sometimes get, he continues working. He owns his own business and so I get that he’s busy and has a lot of responsibility. Sometimes it bothers me but mostly I’ve accepted that owning a business is a round the clock job and I’m ok with that. I appreciate how hard he works, but knowing he makes time (during our time) to continue working via his phone but can’t sacrifice 10 seconds here and there for a text when we’re not together so I know I matter to him, HURTS.

So anyway…I’m not sure where all of this will go. The ball is in his court. I don’t want to feel hurt. I don’t want to feel unimportant. I don’t want to be a burden or inconvenience. I don’t like relationships so if I’m going to be in one, I want the person to actively show that I matter to them. I think I communicated well how I’m feeling and what I need and think I deserve. I’m proud of myself for that and mostly that I’m not getting all suicidal over all of this. It sucks, yes. Big time, and the whole thing just hurts. It will hurt too if he comes back and tells me that he just can’t be in a relationship with me.

I’m hurting anyway…so I guess not much will change if that happens.