Sneak Peek

I’m not sure how I feel today. It’s not good. I think I’ve been a lot more up and down as of late. Is this normal for me? I’m not sure. I know I had a little stretch of time that I did mostly alright. I tricked myself and everyone else into thinking that I was getting better, but I’m not.

I feel like giving up today. I’m going to call my new doctor and see if I can bump up my appointment to much sooner. I don’t want to wait a whole other month. These meds aren’t doing anything at all. I should have noticed something in 4 weeks, should I? But nothing. I’m going to go in and demand (as politely as possible), that they allow me to try abilify, and that they give me my klonopin back. If I can’t find meds that work, I’m replacing it with alcohol. That has been angering me too. I can’t drink while on meds, but my meds aren’t working and so I’m stuck with no relief. I’m willing to give it one last shot with abilify, and then I’m fucking done.

I want to go for a really long walk in a middle-of-nowhere woods. Find a secluded spot to sit, be alone, and cry. I’d like to die there. Wherever that place is.

I’m sick of fighting. If my mouth spoke what my mind wants it to….this is what my life would be like:

Me: I love you! I’m going to bed. Goodnight! xo

Him: Love you too. Night. kiss.

Me: Fuck you too! I don’t even deserve an “I” love you too!? You don’t care about me AT ALL! Fine! I don’t care either! Fuck you!

Me inside: What the fuck am I doing. I’m ruining it. It should be ruined it’s not real! No you’re wrong! This is real! I love him. No!! He doesn’t love you so why should you love him? But I do. NO I don’t! I’m so weak. I’m so pathetic. I can’t love him. I know better. But it feels so good being with him. I can’t let him know that! But he does know it. Dammit he has me! He’s toying with me. I just want to be loved. He does love me. NO he doesn’t! He’s trying to hurt you. Yea, he’s trying to hurt me. Just like all the rest of them. They’re all the same. But I think he might be different. He isn’t, he is one of them! No one likes you. You’re so stupid. I can’t believe he just blew me off like that! He doesn’t want me. I’m not worth his time…etc

This is my mind…CONSTANTLY. About everyone and everything.

I’m so tired 😦

I.

Am.

So.

Tired.

I just want to be better or not be at all.

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3 thoughts on “Sneak Peek

  1. Check if your insurance will cover abilify before filling the prescription if your p agrees. I tried to switch onto it once but they tried to charge me ~$500 for a month’s supply. No thank you.

    And I’m tired too. You’re not alone there.

  2. Well, precious, first they need to figure out the best choice of meds. Usually it’s based on a list of symptoms conveniently packaged as a diagnosis, then they have to figure out how much to give. Sometimes how much OF EACH they need to give you.
    Easy enough to go down the checklist, put an “x” in all the appropriate places and decide which medicine to choose. It helps if it’s ever worked for anyone they’ve ever treated for the same diagnosis. But in between the patient’s file, the “Never / Once a week / More than once a week / Almost every day / Every day” questionnaires, the patients they’d seen earlier in the day, and the mellifluous bullshit of the pharmaceutical sales rep – usually one or two meds come to mind, their experience flips a coin, and the doctor writes you a prescription.
    How much?
    How often?
    Trial and error and error and error and minor miscalculation and try, try again.
    It’s like spaghetti sauce, really. You brown the meat balls, saute the sausage, grab the salt and pepper and garlic and onions and basil and thyme and sugar / cinnamon (works for me, might / might not work for you), sprinkle in a little at a time, stir it all gently…
    … and let it simmer.
    Maybe add an extra shake of white pepper, Another clove of garlic, maybe. Mmmmm… another twist or two on the cinnamon grinder? Sure. WTF.
    And another can of tomato paste and two more cloves.
    I like to use a crock pot. Gives all the flavors a chance to mingle.
    You have all the chemicals already in your system that need to mingle with the new one(s) being introduced into your system. Like the different powders and flakes I put in the sauce, the chemicals interact and can either compliment each other or contrast a bit in order to get the desired effect: adjusting the way your brain works. And if you don’t let it all simmer, you just bring it all to a boil, a lot of it will just stick to the pot.
    It can be torture smelling the sauce all afternoon. Just makes me that much more hungry.
    Worth the wait.

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