I’m not sure how I feel today. It’s not good. I think I’ve been a lot more up and down as of late. Is this normal for me? I’m not sure. I know I had a little stretch of time that I did mostly alright. I tricked myself and everyone else into thinking that I was getting better, but I’m not.
I feel like giving up today. I’m going to call my new doctor and see if I can bump up my appointment to much sooner. I don’t want to wait a whole other month. These meds aren’t doing anything at all. I should have noticed something in 4 weeks, should I? But nothing. I’m going to go in and demand (as politely as possible), that they allow me to try abilify, and that they give me my klonopin back. If I can’t find meds that work, I’m replacing it with alcohol. That has been angering me too. I can’t drink while on meds, but my meds aren’t working and so I’m stuck with no relief. I’m willing to give it one last shot with abilify, and then I’m fucking done.
I want to go for a really long walk in a middle-of-nowhere woods. Find a secluded spot to sit, be alone, and cry. I’d like to die there. Wherever that place is.
I’m sick of fighting. If my mouth spoke what my mind wants it to….this is what my life would be like:
Me: I love you! I’m going to bed. Goodnight! xo
Him: Love you too. Night. kiss.
Me: Fuck you too! I don’t even deserve an “I” love you too!? You don’t care about me AT ALL! Fine! I don’t care either! Fuck you!
Me inside: What the fuck am I doing. I’m ruining it. It should be ruined it’s not real! No you’re wrong! This is real! I love him. No!! He doesn’t love you so why should you love him? But I do. NO I don’t! I’m so weak. I’m so pathetic. I can’t love him. I know better. But it feels so good being with him. I can’t let him know that! But he does know it. Dammit he has me! He’s toying with me. I just want to be loved. He does love me. NO he doesn’t! He’s trying to hurt you. Yea, he’s trying to hurt me. Just like all the rest of them. They’re all the same. But I think he might be different. He isn’t, he is one of them! No one likes you. You’re so stupid. I can’t believe he just blew me off like that! He doesn’t want me. I’m not worth his time…etc
This is my mind…CONSTANTLY. About everyone and everything.
I’m so tired 😦
I just want to be better or not be at all.