I can’t find me

I’m really struggling with this right now. That lost feeling. It’s like…one minute people are around me and then they all have places to go and things to do and it’s like they just quickly fade out, disappear, and there’s this empty silence and a shell that only I know exists. It’s ‘me’. Whatever that means.

I don’t know how to fill that shell.

“Well do things you like to do.” they say.

It doesn’t work. What do I like? Even when I find things I “like”…it just doesn’t do it.

You see, my entire life I just wanted to be loved. To feel like I mattered to someone. To feel like I was someone’s priority. Someone was taking care of me. That’s what every kid wants and needs, right? Most kids get it, and they grow and become independent healthy adults who are equipped to pass those things on to other children who need it, etc.

Instead I was lost. Forgotten behind selfishness. Last in a list of priorities that were determined based on who or what fulfilled their needs, and I didn’t fulfill anything. And so to protect myself I became distant. Independent at an all too young age. Hard. “I don’t need them.” They believed me. How could they have sincerely believed that a child wouldn’t need her parents? They didn’t care. It was excuse enough for them to continue on doing what they were doing and not feeling badly about it. They were fooling themselves.

I knew I needed them. I hated that part of me. I belittled her and made that part of me feel bad for existing. I hated the little girl I was. My whole life I’ve kept this “I don’t need anyone” facade going, and it’s such a lie. I think that’s my struggle. I think that’s really at the root of all of it. When that neediness starts coming back, I get so conflicted. I despise it but it is me and so I despise me. My whole life though it’s been there and so there’s so much of it stored up that when it wells up, it’s overwhelming. It’s so immense now it couldn’t possibly be filled. For 29 years I’ve been doing this crap. For 29 years I’ve been a fake independent adult.

I remember when I was about 8 or so, I decided I was going to run away. I’m too ashamed to tell the details, but I still wonder to myself how I got the ideas that I did. I remember my list of what I’d need in order to survive. It disgusts me.

I’ve lost myself. Or really I never found myself because I was too busy demeaning the natural parts of me because they just were so useless and only left me hurting. I was too busy figuring out what NOT to be so I didn’t get hurt, that I never got to just ‘be’.

It got me nowhere. It got me further and further from…from I don’t even know what.

I really hate life.


3 thoughts on “I can’t find me

  1. I totally get this. This comment may be a bit of a mess, but I appreciate your understanding, generally. I feel like I am falling apart: That this pretence I have been fighting to maintain for so long is crumbling before me; Everything I touch shatters. Everyone I dare to care about walks away from me, and I never quite know why. I need people–I need someone to really care, and my family never fills the gap in my life–but I have such terrible boundaries and I scare or push people away. Then I reinforce how unlovable and deeply bad I am inside. My needs are so great, and it all just leaks out of me in eruptions of craziness. And it’s my fault, but I feel like it’s not all the same. I do not know what is my fault anymore. I do not know what is wrong with me.

    I do not think there is any shame in having wanted to run away. It sounds like you were a very brave and strong 8 year old. Thank you for sharing this post: It has led me to think about things. My comment is a mess and another testament to my screwed boundaries, but I have wanted to talk and you are always so understanding, and the things you write often connect with me.

    1. Hey guess what!? I have poor boundaries with this stuff too so I completely welcome your comment. I understand that need to talk about what you’re going through, and how sometimes it spills out of you like you’re literally overflowing, when you find someone who you think understands or that you for some reason trust enough to tell it to.

      I do understand all you said and I’m glad you relate, though sorry for it at the same time because no one deserves what we go through. I wish I had answers but I feel like all I have is a bunch of creatively worded metaphors to try and explain what it’s like in my head, in my world, and only a select few people in the world actually understand it.

      I wish it wasn’t so hard for us. What we want and need isn’t so difficult, really, but for some reason it is so hard to find. If being loved and cared for were a prescription, and the general dosage was 250mg once per day, we’re the odd balls that require 250mg every 30 minutes just to feel an ounce of the benefit, and heaven forbid someone steal our medication from us and keep us from getting it, because in seconds the withdraw symptoms, lethal as they are, just kill us. It’s our life support, and for others it just seems to be a take-it-or-leave-it-don’t-need-it type thing.

      I don’t know if I made sense. Thank you for your comment, and you’re welcome to talk anytime. 🙂

  2. Thank you! 🙂 Yes, that is totally it–The second I feel like someone might care, I pour out my soul of some of the overwhelming things. (Then they run, usually.) I agree, no one should have to go through the things we feel and experience. I really like your metaphor. 🙂 Thank you again! It helps a lot to know you understand some of how I feel.

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