Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m hungry or not. Sometimes I don’t eat because I don’t think I deserve to. I think I deny myself of food as a discreet form of self-punishment. To eat would be healthy but I want to die so therefore I won’t let myself eat. Die me, die.
Other times I can’t get enough food. Bad food. I binge on cheesecake, cookies, ice cream, candy, cake…all things I really shouldn’t have and generally wouldn’t eat if I were feeling ok. In those times I can’t seem to feel full. No matter how much I eat, it’s not enough. I’m seeking a satisfaction that doesn’t exist or that can simply never quite be reached.
Even in eating I know no balance.