To Eat or Not to Eat

Eating.

Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m hungry or not. Sometimes I don’t eat because I don’t think I deserve to. I think I deny myself of food as a discreet form of self-punishment. To eat would be healthy but I want to die so therefore I won’t let myself eat. Die me, die.

Other times I can’t get enough food. Bad food. I binge on cheesecake, cookies, ice cream, candy, cake…all things I really shouldn’t have and generally wouldn’t eat if I were feeling ok. In those times I can’t seem to feel full. No matter how much I eat, it’s not enough. I’m seeking a satisfaction that doesn’t exist or that can simply never quite be reached.

Even in eating I know no balance.

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One thought on “To Eat or Not to Eat

  1. Cheesecake, cookies, ice cream, candy and cakes do not officially count as foods.
    They are rewards for a job well done, for a noteworthy accomplishment.
    Like making it through a bitch of a day, or getting through your period without any felony charges, or feeling really, really down without the SH thoughts getting in the way.
    It would therefore not qualify as “binging” but as “celebrating”, the more the merrier, and if that’s distorted thinking, fuck it… I don’t care.
    There were times chocolate cheesecake with strawberries were enough to get Liz through a rough patch.
    I’m not a doctor or anything, but check with your therapist on this.
    I’m sure he’ll back me on this one.

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