My boyfriend has been short staffed for the past few days. The orders have been piling up and he’s been working A LOT. Needless to say there’s been no time for me. I’ve been getting worse and worse inside about it. Angrier and angrier. More and more crazy.
Today I realized I was being a pretty shitty girlfriend. I was being…selfish. 😦 I was/am so worried that I’m losing him or that he doesn’t care about me, etc, that I’ve really failed to be a good girlfriend. I wasn’t being supportive at all. I wasn’t doing anything to help ease his stress, and instead I may have been adding to it. So I texted him (against the voices in my head), and just told him I loved him and missed him and was trying to be understanding with how busy he is, and that I hope he has a productive day. He said, “Thank you so much I love you too”.
For a little, (a few hours), I was at peace with this. Mostly. It wasn’t completely easy and without struggle, but it was ok.
Here I am, though. Why is this so hard? Why is it so hard to not be angry, feel neglected and worried that it has something to do with me? To not think that what’s really going on here is he doesn’t love me anymore and he’s just staying away from me. To not battle the thought that he’s already found someone else. Why can’t I stop this? I just want to be a good girlfriend.
I’m so needy, it’s disgusting. I am trying so so hard to hold it all in. Push it down. Give it the finger. Behave. I feel like a 5 year old being put in time out for far too long and I’m antsy and no matter how badly I want to do what I’m told, I can’t stop the fidgeting. It’s like my body has a mind of it’s own and it just keeps getting out of the seat.
I’m trying to be good. I’m trying to be sane. I’m trying to be a good girlfriend. I’m trying to behave.