What an interesting session. I went in with no expectations other than maybe some boredom. I had an uneventful week in regards to crazy episodes or symptoms that needed hashed out.
We started talking as usual about just casual random things; cracked a few jokes and laughed. And as almost always, things just naturally steer their way to productive topics and findings.
I think some significant things arose. Some core beliefs of mine that are faulty. I told him what happened when I left my session last week. I tried to anyway. I tried to explain how I felt and as usual I could only come up with metaphors. However, I think he sort of understood what I was getting at, and the goal behind all of it was/is to find what is fueling such intense feelings, fear, etc. Such intense episodes of mixed emotions that leave me feeling so alone, afraid, accusatory and suicidal.
I guess I’m thinking that underneath it all, I just think people don’t care about me. Or I fear that they don’t. I have no sense of self worth and I seek to find it from others. If someone isn’t actively saying or doing something to show that I have worth, than I think it means I have none. If someone isn’t actively showing or telling me they love me, then I think they don’t love me. I’m thinking this is a natural thing to do…for kids, but I’m guessing that as you grown you learn that you determine your own worth. You gain confidence in the things you do. You find your skills and talents and you start creating a foundation of who you are and you build on that.
My whole life growing up I was just put on the back burner. Left alone and any vocal expressions of how I felt or what I thought of something, were invalidated. I only learned that my own thoughts and feelings were inaccurate and so I thought I shouldn’t trust them and so I constantly looked to others for what I should think and feel, and only then would I be ok, and worthy, and accepted.
And so I asked a seemingly obvious yet serious question to him, “Well, since I’m an adult now…how do I give worth to myself?” How do I fulfill those things that were left empty and that I should have gotten growing up? And he said, dammit I seriously forget what he said. I will have to ask him again.
Point is, I think it was really brought in the open today that I just have no clue who I am, and I guess what a good place to start. I think I just have to get to know me. Not only that, I need to accept me…I’m not very good at that. To this day I still search for cues in others as to how I should be because “I” am just unacceptable as I am on my own.
Easy to say sort of, very hard to do. So aside from doing that, I also thought a lot about when I slip into my next episode. I really want to beat it. I want to remember what we talked about today. I want to remember what he told me. Just because I feel it doesn’t mean it’s real. I can take a step back and think, “Where is this coming from? What am I thinking about? What am I afraid of?” The intensity and escalation is coming from somewhere and if I can nail what it is, I can work on it. I just don’t want it to continue to be something that happens “to” me anymore. I want to control it.
I want to get better.