End of Day Remarks

Maybe I shouldn’t be in a relationship. People hurt people. People hurt me. People can’t be trusted. Guys can’t be trusted. When will I learn. I’m an idiot. A complete fucking weak idiot.

God, just take me. How much longer do I have to beg? I’m a terrible person for even thinking that. I can’t win.

If I’m alive, I suffer and people around me, in turn, suffer. If I go, I am better and they suffer for just a little and then get over it. Right?



2 thoughts on “End of Day Remarks

  1. Uhhhh… wrong.
    You’ll have to trust me on that one and I would just as soon not qualify that one. Of course, maybe it’s just me, but the memories of that suffering don’t easily leave if they do leave at all. One doesn’t just “get over it” any better than people “get over” that which all the self-described “normal” people tell them to.
    How many times have you been told you need to “get over” anything that totally rearranged life as you knew it?

    Then there’s the issue of multiple-choice questions in High School and college and beyond.
    When you have four or five different answers for your perusal, the ones you immediately dismiss are the ones that use either the word “always” or the word “never”.
    Generalizations are just an excuse not to give a thought any further consideration.

    And if it is weak to need people, then possibly the only “strong” person I can recall ever having heard of was a fella by the name of Ted Kaczynski.
    We are social animals by nature, with “animals” being the key word, and even the most docile, domesticated animals will shit on your kitchen floor every now and then.

    That’s you talking. That’s you thinking and feeling and talking about it, and by that token it should be more believable than anything else you’ll hear from anybody else.

    You’re worth fighting for, precious child.

  2. I don’t know what happened, but this wave of emotion will pass. (I realise it sucks while it’s there though.) I can relate very strongly to the things your write, but I think that if you can, you shouldn’t decide not to be in relationships–as in, keep trying! It will get easier, when people start treating you the way you deserve to be treated, and showing you how completely lovable you really are. I think that the symptoms of BPD always seem much worse to us than to other people. There can be a lot of pain, but there can be a lot of pain from loneliness too. You are certainly not (!) a terrible person, and people don’t suffer because of you. People have freedom, and they spend time with you because they want to, and because you’re worth spending time with. Importantly, you’re not weak. You’ve faced so much and have shown great strength. (In your posts right now, you’re demonstrating how much you’re fighting to overcome difficult emotions, with amazing strength!)

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