Fight

Ok, so I can feel it. I know what triggered it and I am fully aware that it’s happening inside. I know my therapist would want me to pay attention to my thoughts. What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What am I afraid of?

What am I thinking?

I’m not good enough. I’m going to get hurt. I’ve never been good enough and I never will be. People are liars. No one cares about me. No one cares that I hurt. I have no one. Nothing. I should be alone. NO ONE is safe. I hate being alive.

What am I feeling?

Sad. Angry. Hurt. Betrayed. Lonely. Little. Suspicious. Paranoid. Hopeless. Helpless. Lifeless. Empty. Dead. Far away. Sick to my stomach. Insignificant. Unloved. Defective. Racing heart. Racing thoughts. The need to run away, get away, defend myself, hurt all before all hurts me.

What am I afraid of?

Getting hurt. Getting left behind. Validation that I really am unlovable. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t like finding out that people aren’t who I thought they were.

So now what do I do with all of this? I just don’t know. I mean I know but I don’t know. I don’t want to go through this again. I wish I was in therapy right now and I could just stay until this was all over.

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