Where it leads

I don’t feel good; inside or out.

On the outside, my cold is coming back, my throat hurts and feels slightly swollen. I am sleepy and feel a bit fevered and just blah, and my stomach feels off.

On the inside…well you know how it goes. I’m trying really hard to healthily detach from the emotions, to be an observer of them rather than a victim to them. To ride the wave and allow it to pass through me while maintaining as reality-based a mindset as I can. I don’t know how long I can hold on and so I hope it passes quickly. I’m not sure how to ‘get rid of it’ or if I can’t and just have to wait it out.

Not allowing them to consume me and drive my every move because it all seems so real to me (what if it is?), feels so wrong! I feel like my murderer is by my side with a gun to my head and I’m all “rainbows and puppies”, “Oh, hehehe, he won’t hurt me. It’s fine. Let’s go smell some flowers! He will just go away if I ignore him. Life is great!”

I feel like an idiot not giving into what is happening inside. This is what leads me to suicide. I tried to tell him; my therapist. This is when I just want to die. I am tired of experiencing this and being in this situation.

FUCK.

EVERYTHING.

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