I don’t think my boyfriend has enough time for me.
Usually I slip into some crazy episode and I completely fall apart. So far, that isn’t happening. I’m hurting. I’m sad. I want to cry but I’m holding myself together.
I didn’t yell at him, swear at him, ignore him or do any of the things I usually do. Nope. This time, I told him how I felt. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. Most of all I’m just hurt. However, I’m prepared to hear that he really doesn’t have time for me and that he just doesn’t want or can’t have a relationship right now. Or maybe ever, I don’t know. Or maybe just not with me.
I really tried to think about everything. Is it me? Am I being unrealistic with my expectations? I don’t think so. We see each other maybe once or twice a week. Sometimes not at all. Our communication consists mostly and mainly of text messages. Every once in a great while he may call me. I’m not much of a phone talker so I’m cool with texts.
I think most or many girls would be nagging hardcore that he doesn’t spend enough time with them. He’s always working. He never takes them out. Etc. Instead, I only get hurt and upset with he doesn’t send me a text in 12 hours…sometimes more. When we do see each other for the very little bit of time we sometimes get, he continues working. He owns his own business and so I get that he’s busy and has a lot of responsibility. Sometimes it bothers me but mostly I’ve accepted that owning a business is a round the clock job and I’m ok with that. I appreciate how hard he works, but knowing he makes time (during our time) to continue working via his phone but can’t sacrifice 10 seconds here and there for a text when we’re not together so I know I matter to him, HURTS.
So anyway…I’m not sure where all of this will go. The ball is in his court. I don’t want to feel hurt. I don’t want to feel unimportant. I don’t want to be a burden or inconvenience. I don’t like relationships so if I’m going to be in one, I want the person to actively show that I matter to them. I think I communicated well how I’m feeling and what I need and think I deserve. I’m proud of myself for that and mostly that I’m not getting all suicidal over all of this. It sucks, yes. Big time, and the whole thing just hurts. It will hurt too if he comes back and tells me that he just can’t be in a relationship with me.
I’m hurting anyway…so I guess not much will change if that happens.