Consider me gone

FUCK!!!!!!

I am SO fucking angry right now. I hate everyone. People just don’t fucking give a shit. I fucking give up on everyone. They can all go fuck themselves. Enjoy your new boyfriend mom. Have great holidays with his family. Enjoy your new husband, sister. Have great holidays with his family. I could have gotten into a terrible accident today but don’t you fucking worry, I am ok. I will walk to work. I will figure it all out by myself. I will leave my car at the god damn dealership and walk my ass back home, except it’s way too fucking far to walk with my kids so I just won’t take it. If I’m lucky, there’s something seriously wrong with my car and it’ll be the end of me. I’m going to just race it down the highway and hope the brakes give out in the best most worst spot ever and I can just drive off the side of a bridge. No one will know any better. “It was her brakes.”.

I don’t need anyone. I won’t annoy you, boyfriend, with my neediness. I don’t need your truck. I don’t need anything. Keep your money. Keep your precious time. “Let me know if you need my help.” You won’t hear from me. I don’t need people. I will do you all a fucking favor and just keep to myself. No more texts to worry about. No more car trouble to make you have to take time out of your day. No more anything.

Fuck everyone. When my kids are grown, I’m fucking out of here. No one will know where I’ve went. I want nothing to do with anyone. Go enjoy your lives and be happy that you didn’t have to figure out how to get rid of me.

Consider me gone.

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2 thoughts on “Consider me gone

  1. I’m really sorry I didn’t read this sooner. I hate that things are like this for you–You deserve so much better!
    I can relate to the things you write about your mum and sister, although more with friends than family. I feel like my friends have their nice happy families and relationships and that they don’t have time for me anymore, and that I don’t deserve them to anyway. I hate myself for feeling needy, and I resent asking others for help. I also feel that I care so strongly about things, and other people never seem to care enough! (But at the same time doubt the validity of my BPD feelings, and love people too much if they care at all… :S )
    But this is all probably off the point anyway. I’m really quite worried about the brakes. It’s not that I want you to suffer: But I don’t want you to get physically hurt either. And I’m so, so sorry you went through such a terrifying experience with your son. I’m glad your boyfriend came to help you. I hope that’s a good sign for you both. I’m sorry he’s being so uncommunicative, and can understand how that’s frustrating (and triggers a lot of emotions!). It could just be that he doesn’t know what to say or do. Helping with practical things seems like a way of showing someone you care, even if you can’t express how you feel, which may be complex, but that’s just an opinion. But with your son ill and the brakes, on top of the worry about your boyfriend, I am sorry you have had to face so much awful stuff at once! I really, really hope it gets better as soon as possible.

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