Discarded and Forgotten

Well I was winning. I ‘was’. I can feel it getting stronger. I hate emotions. I hate feeling sad. I fucking hate people. I’d rather live on a planet all by myself.

It hurts. I hurt. Why am I so easy to forget and disregard, or discard? I feel like yesterday’s news. The garbage in an alley behind some little dirty restaurant. Not even the stray animals want that garbage food because it’s even too gross for them. I feel like the gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. They’d rather trash the whole pair of shoes than try to get the gum off. The gum is so unwanted and just ruins their love for the shoes. Tainted them. But it’s not the gum’s fault that someone chewed them up and spit them out where it’d be trampled on.

I feel like a tumbleweed. Just being blown around with no real direction and no desire to fight back against the wind. Just being taken where it’s blown because it’s already dead and nothing matters anymore. It’s all alone out there.

I feel like a teardrop. Fallen to the floor where it becomes invisible. Blending in with it’s landing to eventually disappear as if it never existed. Accept it did, and it does, but no one knows or cares. And when it landed, although it made a sound, no one heard it. No one hears it when it falls because no one cares enough to listen.

I know next year Thanksgiving I will be on my own. So easily discarded. Put aside. Forgotten.

I really want to die.

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2 thoughts on “Discarded and Forgotten

  1. Hang on in there. You’re not garbage, and you do matter. You matter to me, and almost certainly to many other people, much (!) more than you think. Did you hear back from your boyfriend? If not, well, it has only been a few hours (and hours can seem like years in the emotional strain of BPD, but they’re really not), so hold on if you can. I’m sorry I can’t help. Love. xx

    1. Yea I heard back from him. Nothing really about all of this. Just business as usual. And today I was taking my son to the doctor and my brakes gave out on my car. He came and got me. Greatly appreciated but felt emotionally empty. Or I’m just emotionally empty because I’m emotionally overwhelmed? Idk. Thank you.

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