I am a terrible person.
My boyfriend was getting worried about me…and he said he was sad…and I didn’t respond to his texts. You know? Because I was helping him get rid of me. Well he drove to my house. I was really surprised. He hugged me…a lot of hugging in silence. He asked if I could tell that he cared about me and I said no. I think that really hurt him…? He asked what it would feel like to be cared for, and I was stumped. I have no idea. I mean, I know that there’s been times I felt like he really cared but I can’t remember what it felt like. So he said…if he cared about me, wouldn’t he in fact be there holding me right then? If he cared, wouldn’t he have met my mom like he did? I hardly knew how to answer that. I guess so? I don’t know. What do people do that care about other people? I’ve had people not care and still do things like that. They weren’t actions of caring and love, they were manipulative actions done to confuse me and give me the illusion that the person cared and was on my side when really all they were doing was tricking me so they could use and abuse me.
Then he asked me to hold off on all of this for one day. “This” being my pushing him away. One day. So I said I could and would do that. Then he asked if I cared about him and I told him yes. Of course I do. Can’t he tell??? I was trying to help him get rid of me. I was making it easy for him! The ultimate act of my love for him; ridding of me.
But he said something else then. Something like, it’s not easy to just walk away from someone. That scared me. But then he said…that’s not what people do that care about each other.
I feel like such an idiot. A child. What he said I guess makes sense but that has always been how things were. My dad literally one night just walked out and that was it. There was no goodbye. There was no hug or kiss or reassurance that he cared for me and loved me and that things would be ok. It was a finger in the face “this is all your fault”, and without anything else…the door slammed shut and that was it. The end. That’s always how it’s gone.
I don’t understand this. I don’t understand our relationship. I don’t understand how it works, what things mean or what I’m supposed to do. I think I’m doing him a favor by going away. Helping him to have a better life and to take care of something that I thought he was struggling with trying to do on his own: getting away from me. I guess I showed the opposite but then how do I show him I love him, especially when I’m in these episodes where I’m just hurting so much? How do I hurt but not overwhelm him or worry him or hurt him because he doesn’t understand how or why I am hurting or am completely numb and disconnected and confused about where our relationship stands or how he feels about me?
I feel poisonous to him. He deserves so much better 😦 I am ruining his life but I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to be good.
I don’t understand why someone like him would choose to be with someone like me. How someone like him could care for and love someone like me. Does he mean it when he says he loves me? What does that even really mean…to him? Why is he here. I make it so easy for him to walk away. Why doesn’t he? Who chooses this.
I don’t get it. I wish I was good for him. I wish I understood.