I thought I was doing him a favor…

I am a terrible person.

My boyfriend was getting worried about me…and he said he was sad…and I didn’t respond to his texts. You know? Because I was helping him get rid of me. Well he drove to my house. I was really surprised. He hugged me…a lot of hugging in silence. He asked if I could tell that he cared about me and I said no. I think that really hurt him…? He asked what it would feel like to be cared for, and I was stumped. I have no idea. I mean, I know that there’s been times I felt like he really cared but I can’t remember what it felt like. So he said…if he cared about me, wouldn’t he in fact be there holding me right then? If he cared, wouldn’t he have met my mom like he did? I hardly knew how to answer that. I guess so? I don’t know. What do people do that care about other people? I’ve had people not care and still do things like that. They weren’t actions of caring and love, they were manipulative actions done to confuse me and give me the illusion that the person cared and was on my side when really all they were doing was tricking me so they could use and abuse me.

Then he asked me to hold off on all of this for one day. “This” being my pushing him away. One day. So I said I could and would do that. Then he asked if I cared about him and I told him yes. Of course I do. Can’t he tell??? I was trying to help him get rid of me. I was making it easy for him! The ultimate act of my love for him; ridding of me.

But he said something else then. Something like, it’s not easy to just walk away from someone. That scared me. But then he said…that’s not what people do that care about each other.

I feel like such an idiot. A child. What he said I guess makes sense but that has always been how things were. My dad literally one night just walked out and that was it. There was no goodbye. There was no hug or kiss or reassurance that he cared for me and loved me and that things would be ok. It was a finger in the face “this is all your fault”, and without anything else…the door slammed shut and that was it. The end. That’s always how it’s gone.

I don’t understand this. I don’t understand our relationship. I don’t understand how it works, what things mean or what I’m supposed to do. I think I’m doing him a favor by going away. Helping him to have a better life and to take care of something that I thought he was struggling with trying to do on his own: getting away from me. I guess I showed the opposite but then how do I show him I love him, especially when I’m in these episodes where I’m just hurting so much? How do I hurt but not overwhelm him or worry him or hurt him because he doesn’t understand how or why I am hurting or am completely numb and disconnected and confused about where our relationship stands or how he feels about me?

I feel poisonous to him. He deserves so much better 😦 I am ruining his life but I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to be good.

I don’t understand why someone like him would choose to be with someone like me. How someone like him could care for and love someone like me. Does he mean it when he says he loves me? What does that even really mean…to him? Why is he here. I make it so easy for him to walk away. Why doesn’t he? Who chooses this.

I don’t get it. I wish I was good for him. I wish I understood.

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5 thoughts on “I thought I was doing him a favor…

  1. ❤ Wow, this is wonderful!!! 🙂 What a perfect way for him to show you that he loves you. And I absolutely support you for being honest–By telling him the truth about trying to let him go, you showed him how much you care too. (Maybe it's healthy, maybe it's not? I do the same. My dad walked out on me too. But explaining your reasons showed him the feelings behind it, and that is what matters.) I don't see at all why you aren't very good for him. You seem to have communicated really well to each other and connected emotionally. I am so happy for you! You are definitely not a "terrible person"! Trust is hard, but it develops over time. xx

  2. You are so so blessed to have someone there for you, who loves you in good times and bad. He gets you. You don’t get him, and that’s your BPD, but you CAN TRUST him, right? He wants that so much. Your BPD (and mine) make it nearly impossible to believe that someone would love us. Especially when our fathers walk out on us with no remorse. Such pain. You have a wall built that will take time and therapy to break up, piece by piece. Slower than you want. At times very difficult. When you can not see any truth in anything, trust him. That’s why you’ve been blessed with him. He’s going nowhere, even on your hard days. From on BPD to another who understands every sentence of your post, I hope tomorrow is a better day. Just focus on your gift of tomorrow and do 1 thing for yourself. Teach your mind that you can ignore all the crap it’s thawing at you. Those are lies. All of them. Now go relax and tell you mind to chill out, cuz’ you aren’t going to listen anymore tonight. Hugs, Hope

      1. I don’t think that I told you that your boyfriend sounds like my husband. The same conversations and feelings that you and he have had, we have had many times as well. I finally had to choose to trust and rest in his clear mind and sincere love for me. That’s what I hope you do too. We walk the same path sweet friend. Hugs, Hope

  3. I remember years ago, a couple of decades, when it was time for me to review our financial situation. Our income, our expenses, how much we had or didn’t have in savings, what assets we had we could part with to make our day-to-day lives more comfortable. Lots of stuff to juggle.
    We had a number of shares of IBM to our name among some other stocks, a mutual fund or two, and came to the decision we were be best served by parting with some of those investments and increase our cash on hand.
    IBM had recently announced its quarterly earnings which had increased over the same quarter previous year by something like seventeen per cent. Upon the release of their earnings report (did I mention it had gone up by seventeen percent?) their stock price took a five per cent tumble in spite of the seventeen per cent hike in earnings I believe I mentioned because the anal-ysts in some upper-crust brokerage had anticipated an increase of twenty per cent rather than (how much was that again?) only seventeen per cent.
    It struck me as being an incredibly chickenshit way of looking at things. Even the experts could look at all the benchmarks they went by, and IBM was still one of the best performing stocks out there.
    Wasn’t good enough for some of those assholes.

    Sometimes people take stock of themselves and don’t find their position to be exactly where they want it to be.
    Exactly.
    And they make life a living hell on themselves.
    Never mind where they are. Maybe they’re a department head at work, but they wanted to be running the show from the top floor corner office by then. Maybe they’re in their third year at an Ivy League college with a 3.99 GPA in Psych / Behavioral Sciences but they planned on having their Master’s by then. Maybe it’s their third anniversary with their Significant Other when all along they had figured at that age it would be their youngest child’s fifty birthday.
    Yeah.
    Life’s a bitch.
    Never good enough, and then they have to deal with everyone telling them that life is a carnival (believe it or not) and a fucking bowl of cherries if they would only just smile, smile, smile. If they would just not worry. If they would only feel like a room without a roof even if happiness is not the truth.
    They know people at work who have sat at the same desk for ten years, people in their sixth year of community college majoring in Floral Arrangements, and have friends who are marking their fourth anniversary in a seven-year span with one of their on again / off again / on again / off again / on again / off again / on again / off again fuck buddy.
    But if they’re not living up to their own expectations / wild-eyed dreams, they seemingly can’t live with it.
    A choice between perfection and total failure.
    It can be difficult waiting to get to where one wants to be. It can take longer than is comfortable. But there are certain things that can’t be rushed.
    It doesn’t make it easier when someone has been waiting all of their lives for something(s) that should have been a major part of their lives way too many years before. Basic affection. A feeling of comfort and safety borne by those around them. An acknowledgment of their worth in the lives of others.

    There’s some shit that you don’t need to have piled onto you by others. Didn’t need to have had it piled onto you by others.
    You can’t start burrowing your way under a pile of your own making.
    There are a bunch of people you have opened up to and reached out to through your blog. People who you have helped, comforted, encouraged.
    I hope you can accept the credit and the belief that many of us give you and have in you, that your boyfriend gives you, that your children are a living testament to. It’s not enough to see it or feel it or acknowledge it.
    You need to accept it.
    You’re worthy of it all, precious child.

    Pops

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