Well I’m mostly better today though I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I think my relationship is very delicate right now and I’m worried of ruining it any further.
My boyfriend came over last night. We needed that for sure. It was nice to be with him, especially considering the day I gave us. It was hard though. After such an emotional and yet numb and disconnected day…it was difficult to get through.
No matter how hard I try to build up the walls, to keep them up, to remain distant and detached so I don’t feel a thing, it never fails. I see him in person and everything around me that I put into place to protect myself, just crumbles. And when it crumbles, all that’s left and all it reveals is the very emotional and broken me that I am. It’s like the me to my very core. Confused. Lost. Alone. Uncertain. Afraid. I’ve got nothing but blank stares, tears, and anxiety about every little thing. Like how a cat is when you take it to the vet.
He doesn’t know but when he fell asleep, I just cried. I’m not even entirely sure why. I kept asking myself, “Why are you crying?” but I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know. And all I could think was, “God messed up when he made me. Why can’t I be better?”
It’s scary and it’s the most agonizing invisible pain in the world and I live with it every second; sometimes worse than others, and last night was one of those worse times. We usually lay closely when we sleep. But my need for him, for physically close contact, is overwhelming. I feel like it’s going to completely consume me into non-existence. I so badly want to cry to him and beg for him to just hold me so freaking tightly, like I need him to save me from being consumed by the need and the pain that comes with it, but then I worry it will consume him into non-existence or it will completely push him away from me because it will overwhelm him and he won’t like it. So I lay there..still…and quietly cry and hope it just goes away.
It’s a terrible feeling and writing about it now makes me want to cry again 😦
When he sleeps I feel unreal. He seems real and everything around me seems to have life…but me. Not me. I feel like this odd nothingness and I only I know that I exist. Except I don’t exist and so I’m in conflict with myself. Like in the movie Casper. The ghosts that have “unfinished business”. They exist yet they don’t but they can’t get to where they’re going until something else is finished. That’s how I feel. Like I’m stuck in some weird halfway point between being alive and being dead or never having existed at all.
Sometimes when I’m distant he may think it’s because I’m not interested in him, when really it’s that my need for him is so overwhelming and I’m just trying to shield him and me from letting it take over.