Goodbye, Daddy

My dad died on December 29th. I knew it was coming. I’ve known for awhile. Yet through all the anger I’ve had toward him over the years, I’m still hurting. Hurt, sad, still angry, and just…sad. Yea, he did things he shouldn’t have. He wasn’t the best father or human being at times, but he was great toward some people. I didn’t get the best of him though, but right now I don’t care.

I love my Dad because he’s my dad. He had problems. A lot of the same mental problems I do. I chose to not have a relationship with him because I needed to protect my own children, and myself in some ways.

I’ve been crying. I’m still trying to look at the bright side. He isn’t suffering anymore. He isn’t being held hostage anymore to his mental illnesses.

I kept his hat and his shirt that he wore ALL the time. His hat fits me and I’ll most likely wear it a lot.

You hurt me, Dad, but I know you were hurting too. I love you. I’m glad you’re finally happy. Goodbye, Daddy, until it’s my turn. Then maybe I’ll give your hat back.

New York

We are leaving for New York City today. Staying just until tomorrow. We don’t live too far. It will be my daughter’s first time there. She is so excited. We’re going to go ice skating in Times Square, walk through Central Park, shop and eat yummy foods. It will be beautiful there I’m sure since it’s Christmas. My family is coming too.

Our family is growing. Sister is getting married and he has a decent sized family. Mostly because everyone is still married and together. My mom has her boyfriend and he has daughters around my age. I am meeting them for the first time this weekend because they’re coming too. They’re both engaged. I always wanted a big family.

Well, I’m going to have a blast this weekend. I am doing really well. Even my boyfriend said that he’s noticed a change since these meds. He said I seem happy and he likes it. I feel like a normal person again, mostly. As normal as I’ll be because I may just be naturally quirky 🙂 I’m ok with that.

Therapy is awesome and is really helping. I think it’s really helpful that he is a male. I get insight I wouldn’t be able to get with a woman, and it’s insight that I need. He is really helping me get better and I trust him and it’s just great.

I’m happy 🙂 For the first time I think I really feel real happiness. I like it. I might be growing up a little inside too 🙂

Marilyn Monroe

I love this song. It describes me 100%. I like Marilyn Monroe. I wish I knew her personally. My favorite lines of this song:

“Call it a curse or just call me blessed. If you can’t handle my worst, you ain’t gettin’ my best.”

“Take me or leave me.”

No news is good news

So I don’t think I’ve really posted in awhile, which is a good thing. Things have been great with my boyfriend and mentally I’ve felt a bit more stable. Blame the meds. Blame the therapy. Maybe it’s both. Who knows and I really don’t care. I am just happy to be feeling better.

My klonopin dosage isn’t high enough so I’ve been taking extra as needed. Oops but oh well. I go back to the doctor soon so I’ll see if she will up it. I think the Abilify is actually helping. I don’t seem to be having as many made up scenarios in my head that I am so certain are happening and I just feel more down to earth.

The past few nights I’ve been super moody and irritable. I think I’m PMS’ing which really sucks and I’m feeling really overwhelmed. I have tons of work to do and am trying to help my boyfriend with his stuff because his other employee broke his hand or something. Between the holidays and all that, I just feel drained. So, I’m taking a break to do some writing here, I’m sending the kids to bed early and I’m going to try and catch up a bit.

On the plus side, Christmas is almost here. I did a lot of decorating which I really love. The kids decorated the tree and we’re all ready for Christmas. I was even able to buy them a few things 🙂

I hope things keep looking up.

On the Love Front

So I talked to my boyfriend today. It was hard, mainly because I just hate talking about stuff and because, well I don’t like that I may frustrate him or anything. I don’t want to bring him down.

Anyway, it was good I guess. I think maybe overall it’s just hard that we barely get to see each other. I don’t feel like rehashing the whole thing but it seemed productive. I hope it was.

The best part was that I stayed calm through the whole thing. I think it was a turning point for me. I talked about how I felt, I listened to what he had to say and I didn’t lose control or wind up in some sort of episode. We talked through to the end of the conversation and things sort of just smoothed out. That’s unheard of for me. I hope he notices that.

Overall I just hope that this works out; and that he really does love me.

Therapy Session #9

I had therapy yesterday. We missed a week because of Thanksgiving.

So I filled him in on everything and it was a good session. He said he was proud of me mostly for being calm while still feeling the negative things I was feeling about things with my boyfriend. He talked me though it all and it went really really well. I do notice a slight difference, I think, in that instant rush and intensity of emotions that usually overwhelm me when something hurts or triggers me. It’s not quiiiite as intense and I think it may be happening just a little tiny bit slower; enough that I think I might have a little more time to catch it and think things through? I’m not sure. I may be wrong. I need to give it more time and see.

Meds: I think Abilify makes me a little nauseous. I’m hoping that goes away. Maybe I just need to take it right before I lay down for bed so I sleep through the nausea and headache.

Why can’t I…

I want to be free. Not in a political sense. More in an emotional and psychological sense.

I want to feel what it’s like to just live. To go out somewhere and enjoy what I’m doing or what is surrounding me without being consumed by or having to battle the constant thoughts of worry etc

I want to go on a trip and only experience what it feels like to be filled with awe at all of the new things I’m seeing.

I want to go out to dinner or somewhere with the man I love and not be sick with jealousy or self-hatred because I saw him look at a pretty girl, or because I see pretty girls and simply hate myself for not being them.

I want to go to a new place a not be afraid of the unknown but be excited about it.

I want to go to work and be confident in what I’m doing and that I’m doing a good job.

I want to love someone without being afraid and hurt 24/7 at the mere thought that they may leave me one day or that they’re being unfaithful behind my back.

I want to experience love, and only love. Not love that is smothered and murdered by fear, worry, and doubt.

When my boyfriend took me out West…I really liked it out there. There was like…nothingness. Not a house or sign of life for miles. I want to be there. I want to live there. I don’t like people and there were hardly any there.

When I got in a crazy episode, I could just walk and walk and walk, and not run into groups of people who all want to say hi and make stupid small talk. I could hike and climb around rocks and mountains to occupy myself until I was better again. It’s not like here where I just have to lock myself in my bathroom.

Identity Remakes

This is one of the bonuses to not having friends. You can be whoever you want to be at any given time and there’s no one there to call you out on it.

Speaking as someone who really has no idea who they are and struggles with this, becoming other personas isn’t even you being a fake! You truly don’t have a solid persona and when you change into these alter egos, they’re actually in a sense, the real you. For a period of time anyway.

I used to drastically change my hair color and cut and how I dressed, every time something major happened in my life. A breakup. A “breakdown” as in an emotional breakdown. I think what it really came down to is that it got so painful being who I was, that I would decide to become someone else so I could get rid of the pain. Start over. And everything that happened, all of that painful stuff, belonged to someone else that had nothing to do with me.

Sadly, each persona ended up being the same fucked up confused girl. And I’m sure this method of coping is very unhealthy. I’d make impulsive and rash decisions and completely change my world. Rid of people close to me. Go places I never would go and never go to the places I used to frequent.

I’m feeling that. The new year is coming. New hair colors are on the way. I hate me and this life and so maybe I’ll just be someone new.

End of Day Remarks

I’m sad tonight. I’m needy and lonely and unhappy and dissatisfied and upset. I wish I weren’t alive and I’m angry at people.

But tomorrow is another day and I can only hope that when I wake up, I’ll feel better.

My life is exhausting. Normal stresses aside, my brain is exhausting. This. What I’m writing about. This suicidal rock bottom place. I’m tired of this.

It’s simply no way to live.