Identity Remakes

This is one of the bonuses to not having friends. You can be whoever you want to be at any given time and there’s no one there to call you out on it.

Speaking as someone who really has no idea who they are and struggles with this, becoming other personas isn’t even you being a fake! You truly don’t have a solid persona and when you change into these alter egos, they’re actually in a sense, the real you. For a period of time anyway.

I used to drastically change my hair color and cut and how I dressed, every time something major happened in my life. A breakup. A “breakdown” as in an emotional breakdown. I think what it really came down to is that it got so painful being who I was, that I would decide to become someone else so I could get rid of the pain. Start over. And everything that happened, all of that painful stuff, belonged to someone else that had nothing to do with me.

Sadly, each persona ended up being the same fucked up confused girl. And I’m sure this method of coping is very unhealthy. I’d make impulsive and rash decisions and completely change my world. Rid of people close to me. Go places I never would go and never go to the places I used to frequent.

I’m feeling that. The new year is coming. New hair colors are on the way. I hate me and this life and so maybe I’ll just be someone new.

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One thought on “Identity Remakes

  1. You’re there, precious.
    If you pay close attention, you might not be entirely sure with who you are. You might not be entirely sure about who you might be or who you think you are, but when it’s wrong you know.
    Your thoughts might tell you something different, but your heart will know when you need to call yourself out on it.
    People talk about loving themselves, or even settling for liking themselves.
    I hate that I smoke more than a Beijing power plant, that I keep putting off procrastination, that I have enough things on this list that five of them are tied for Number Three…
    and then there’s the list of things I don’t like.
    The biggest part of the battle has been getting comfortable with myself:
    knowing that there are certain ways I have always been that are not going to change. They are the ways I learned how to be, whether a matter of nature or nurture, and learning that those things will not change.
    I just had to and have to resolve myself to the fact (I already used the word “learn” twice) that I cannot let those traits become so overpowering that they get in the way of everything I like about myself.
    I’ve got a great head of hair, our grandson loves me and some of the more twisted people I’ve come across seem to appreciate my sense of humor.
    I hate some things, I dislike others, other thing just irritate the piss out of me but being comfortable knowing which is which and being able to keep most of them in check…
    it’s kind of like agreeing to disagree.
    That level of comfort keeps me working on things because I don’t want them to get out of hand, beyond control.
    I want to be able to continue liking myself in the worst of times, really liking myself during the best of them, but never be uncomfortable about who I am.
    I tried being someone else for a few years early on, and it was the biggest fucking travesty of my life. The first domino to fall, everything else following the misguided path. Try as I might, it never came close to working.
    Not trying, just being, not trying to be…
    works out the best.
    It’s hard getting past what you were taught you were supposed to be, usually by someone who had their own purposes for you in mind, some self-serving plans and agendas.
    Fuck some of those bastards, ignore the rest.
    When it seems right, keep doing it. When it doesn’t, adjust your course.
    And when the urge hits, give it all a bit of a retrofit.

    Just, for God’s sake, don’t go shaving your head like Britney did.

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