Why can’t I…

I want to be free. Not in a political sense. More in an emotional and psychological sense.

I want to feel what it’s like to just live. To go out somewhere and enjoy what I’m doing or what is surrounding me without being consumed by or having to battle the constant thoughts of worry etc

I want to go on a trip and only experience what it feels like to be filled with awe at all of the new things I’m seeing.

I want to go out to dinner or somewhere with the man I love and not be sick with jealousy or self-hatred because I saw him look at a pretty girl, or because I see pretty girls and simply hate myself for not being them.

I want to go to a new place a not be afraid of the unknown but be excited about it.

I want to go to work and be confident in what I’m doing and that I’m doing a good job.

I want to love someone without being afraid and hurt 24/7 at the mere thought that they may leave me one day or that they’re being unfaithful behind my back.

I want to experience love, and only love. Not love that is smothered and murdered by fear, worry, and doubt.

When my boyfriend took me out West…I really liked it out there. There was like…nothingness. Not a house or sign of life for miles. I want to be there. I want to live there. I don’t like people and there were hardly any there.

When I got in a crazy episode, I could just walk and walk and walk, and not run into groups of people who all want to say hi and make stupid small talk. I could hike and climb around rocks and mountains to occupy myself until I was better again. It’s not like here where I just have to lock myself in my bathroom.

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