Goodbye, Daddy

My dad died on December 29th. I knew it was coming. I’ve known for awhile. Yet through all the anger I’ve had toward him over the years, I’m still hurting. Hurt, sad, still angry, and just…sad. Yea, he did things he shouldn’t have. He wasn’t the best father or human being at times, but he was great toward some people. I didn’t get the best of him though, but right now I don’t care.

I love my Dad because he’s my dad. He had problems. A lot of the same mental problems I do. I chose to not have a relationship with him because I needed to protect my own children, and myself in some ways.

I’ve been crying. I’m still trying to look at the bright side. He isn’t suffering anymore. He isn’t being held hostage anymore to his mental illnesses.

I kept his hat and his shirt that he wore ALL the time. His hat fits me and I’ll most likely wear it a lot.

You hurt me, Dad, but I know you were hurting too. I love you. I’m glad you’re finally happy. Goodbye, Daddy, until it’s my turn. Then maybe I’ll give your hat back.

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3 thoughts on “Goodbye, Daddy

  1. I’m so so sorry. I lost my dad in March. He was a very messed up man and he messed me up. But all the same, I loved him and miss him every day. We had a distant relationship (not of my choosing, but definitely for the best), but I kept his robe and wear it everyday. Love runs deep. And daughters especially, have a deep love for their fathers, no matter how broken they were, or how broken they made you. Hugs friend…it will get easier with time.

  2. Hey precious.
    I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I never know what to say about things like this ’cause years back when I was facing the same situations three times in five years, there was really nothing almost anyone could say to me that eased the pain or straightened out the confusion.
    He was Daddy, and for whatever it was he did or didn’t do to you or for you or with you …
    he was Daddy. Just the idea of him is meant to be comforting and nurturing and loving, and unfortunately there are times the actions and even the words drown out that idea.
    Doesn’t mean you had no reason to love him or to miss him.
    Your thoughts show an understanding, sympathy, a touch of empathy and insight in addition to the love you felt for him.
    And that shows strength. It shows strength and compassion a sense of what can only be described as a tender – if not quite comfortable – acceptance of who he was..
    It shows what kind of heart you have.
    It’s the kind of acceptance so many of us long for from others who can only see things from their own perspective.

    And you’ve broken the chain we hear so much about.
    Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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