First Time Since Meds

For the first time since I started my new meds, I had an episode 😦 I didn’t self harm but the thoughts to do so, and the suicidal thoughts, were strong. I ruined my relationship again and left myself standing in a complete mess that I hardly knew how to get out of, and almost didn’t get out of.

I’m sad and ashamed. I was doing so well for such a while. It’s been, what, 2 months? That’s excellent. I’m just bothered that this happened.

I tried to break up with my boyfriend again. I feel like I ruined our progress. Work sent me home because I was so upset. They were kind so it wasn’t like they kicked me out. It was more like a “Hey, go take care of yourself.”

I think since my Dad died I’ve been off. I’ve been sensitive and the meds just can’t beat a death in the family.

I hope my boyfriend still loves me the same. I hope things are ok. I hope I get better again.

Does “Permanency” exist?

Permanency. When you think of the word permanent you might think of tattoos, or some sort of surgical procedure that can’t be reversed. A decision that you can’t take back.

But is anything ‘really’ permanent?

I’ve come to find that nothing is permanent. Especially people. Love. Relationships. Not permanent. Vows mean nothing. People can go in the blink of an eye. One day here, the next day gone, and you never know when it will happen. It doesn’t matter how much or how hard you love someone or they love you, things are meant to end at some point in time. Whether it’s by death, or a choice someone makes or is forced to make. People are meant to go away. Love is temporary as are the relationships that love is a part of. Everything is temporary. Yea, some things last longer than others, but still, it is all only for a period of time. A season.

Permanency. There is no such thing.

New Gig and Being Ok

I got signed with a modeling agency which is pretty cool. I have my first promotional gig this Friday. I’m pretty excited about it.

My boyfriend also was away all weekend and I made it! It came a little close, as far as my sanity goes, but I got through it without starting any trouble. Today I got to spend some time with him and I feel better. I love and miss him.

It’s snowing today. A few inches. Ugh.

Abilify Users; Lucid Dreams/Hallucinations?

So the past two nights have been terrible. I’ve been having these I guess what would be considered lucid dreams. I’m half awake half asleep. Either that or it’s straight hallucinations. It only happens at night but I feel like this med is maybe giving me these psychotic episodes at nighttime. I am dead certain at night that there are evil things in my home and upstairs. I hear them using the bathroom (peeing and toilet flushing), I hear them walking around and rummaging through things. Two nights ago was the first time and I was so terrified. My boyfriend is in Florida on a trip so there’s really only so much the poor guy can do. Last night, even though I vowed I was going to stay at my mom’s or sister’s the next time my kids were away (they were both away this weekend), I thought I’d be ok and wanted to try to be a big girl.

Pfft. So much for that. As soon as night came I was getting scared. I went to bed, closed and locked my door and left my blinds open for the street light to light up my room. I kept a knife right by my bed.

It happened again. Around 3:30 or so I woke to the sound of the toilet flushing again. I heard all these loud noises like they were getting into things and they were getting closer to my room. I figured with the door locked, if they tried the knob I’d have warning enough to get my knife and be ready. I texted my boyfriend who thank God was either already awake or woke from my text. He suggested it may be the meds. So I googled and found this to sometimes be a side effect. OF COURSE!

So he calmed me down and I tried to go back to sleep. It happened AGAIN. This time not just auditory hallucinations, visual as well. My cat wanted in (apparently) and I was too afraid to let him in. These evil things disguise themselves as familiar things to me that I care about so they can entice me to come out. My cat slid his body through the half inch space under the door between the door and carpet and was up on my bed with me. Not true. None of it happened. This morning, door still locked and no cat, and no plastic bag in the hallway that I kept hearing being messed with.

It’s terrifying and I can’t spend every night like this. I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist finally on the 30th.

Anyone else have similar stories?

On the Edge

I’ve been super anxious lately. I think with the high stress I’ve been under with my father passing away, things have been a lot harder. My anxiety has been worse, my sadness and slight thoughts of suicide have been coming back, and I had a mini episode the other night with my boyfriend.

I’m hoping it’s not that the meds aren’t working or that I simply am not any better. I’m hoping that it’s just the high levels of stress. I know that’s normal with BPD for symptoms get flare when under stress. Not to mention I’ve had my period through this whole thing.

Also, my boyfriend was away last weekend and is going away this weekend too so that’s been really hard. I’m really on edge about that just him leaving. I feel like I need him right here next to me just holding me for days until all of these feelings and anxieties and stresses go away. He’s my only safe place. When he goes…it doesn’t feel good. Especially when I’m already not feeling well.

Being a Mother

Judge me if you must but this is brutal honesty.

I don’t always like being a mother and today is one of those days. Actually, I often times feel that way. Maybe it’s because I’m a single mother and get no assistance and so it’s extra challenging in every way, but I just don’t like it. I get tired of the responsibility. I’m not a fan of the childish issues I have to constantly mediate. I’m tired of having to constantly be running around to take them here and there, and I’m tired of not having a life of my own.

I don’t think I was made to be a mother and sometimes I wonder why god chose me for them. In reality I know they saved my life. I love them dearly and wouldn’t give them up or give up on them, but I still have these feelings inside. I work hard and bust ass FOR THEM. Everything I do is for them. I work as hard as I can to be the best mother I can but still, I just don’t want to be one.

However, I am one, and so I’ll make the best of it. So far, I’ve got two great kiddos. I hope they stay on the right path and I’ll keep working hard to make sure they do.

Follows and Finances

First I want to set a disclaimer that I’ve been very angry lately and short-fused.

Second I’d like to update that I just got my meds back for only $5. Way to go.

Now I’d like to comment about how I seem to get followed, then unfollowed, and then people re-follow. That really boggles my mind and slightly pisses me off. I may lose a few followers to this, but seriously. What’s the deal with that? Follow or don’t, but don’t play fucking follow-games. It’s like being friended and then unfriended on Facebook and it fucks with my emotions. Stay or leave, but don’t go back and forth with me.

Other than the above, I’m tired. All around tired. I’m tired of working. In a general sense. We work our lives away, what’s up with that? I’m tired of being in need. I feel like giving everyone the finger and just quitting it all and figuring it all out later.

For now, I’m just giving the finger.

Pay what!?

So at the end of 2014, my doctor started me on Abilify. In the month I took it I could tell it worked and only cost me $20-$20 bucks. It was like night and day. I was me. I felt like a “normal” person as far as mental illnesses go. My boyfriend even noticed a huge difference.

So here we are in 2015 and I go to refill my prescription. “That’ll be $781 please.” What? Wait, what? Did I hear that correctly? Yes, I did. Apparently my insurance now has an out of pocket expense of $5000 which they would like me to try to meet so they will tack it onto various services. Uh, could we not choose my practically life sustaining medication to do that with?

I called my insurance to see if there was anything at all I could do to have this lowered. Answer: No. We’d like you to try to pay your $5000 max. The good news is, if you pay your meds for 3 months, your deductible is all paid! Oh great! So I’ll just give up my home and get these meds, and the world will be great again! -_-

Meanwhile I am/was going through withdraw symptoms of the meds. Severe shakes and now the mood swings. Do they not realize that helping me get these meds keeps me sane? They don’t care. It’s a money market.

So other than seeing if my dr will send my prescription to Canada so I can get months worth of Abilify for only $45, I checked Healthcare.gov again to see my options. I qualified right away for enrollment and even a special tax credit to reduce my premium. I think I found an insurance that will save me TONS of money and if I checked right, my therapist, my dr and my gyno all take the insurance! I want to double check before I enroll in the plan but I may have found my half life saver.

On a whole other note, I’m missing my dad. I go back and forth between happy for him and sad for my loss. His obituary goes out on Sunday. I wrote it. We collected all his things yesterday which really was just a bunch of junk. However, we did manage to find some really sentimentally valued items that we all split up. My family has had it’s problems and no one has been perfect, but I think I have a great family.

We got Dad’s ashes and death certificates yesterday. So today we are going to get things moving. As morbid as some may believe it to be, and I’m weird like this, I kept the chair that dad passed in. It’s a recliner and having it just makes me feel like he’s here.

I love you, Daddy