My Favorite Conversation

Boyfriend: Are you ok?

Me: Yea.

Boyfriend: Good.

So sad that he just believes me. So sad that I lie. I don’t like lying. That’s the one thing I lie about all of the time. How do you really tell someone you aren’t ok and what’s the point in telling them? They don’t know what to say or do. Telling them hurts, not because it hurts to hear it out loud but because it makes you vulnerable and they can’t help you. You set yourself up for pain.

No thank you. I have enough of that.

Life is Fast

No, this isn’t some post about how fast life goes and so we should cherish the small moments.

This is about life racing and I can’t keep up. There’s so much to do and I just can’t handle it all. I’m so tired of doing everything alone.

The withdrawal from the meds is STILL going on and it’s affecting work the most. I can’t concentrate. I can’t focus and complete tasks. I’m anxious and flustered and everything feels like a huge mountain to climb. Even the smallest of things. I’m tired but I can’t sleep.

GRRRRRRRRRRR

Depressed

The thought of living life another week of the same routines and feelings as I’ve had, makes me ill and want to sleep. I’m so tired of life and what is the worst is that I don’t know where any of it is coming from.

I’m generally unhappy and dissatisfied with my life the way it is. I’m rethinking and probably overthinking every aspect of it. The people that are in it, the jobs I have and how I spend my time.

I want to be happy. I want satisfaction. I want stability and love and security.

Where and how do I find those things?

Backtracking Pt 2

I sorta feel like giving up on things. I’m tired of worrying all of the time and being so insecure about losing things and people. Mainly my boyfriend.

I’m tired.

Why is this happening? I was doing so well for probably the longest I’ve ever gone and here I am back at square one. I think I’m destined to be alone. Not cut out for being loved. I’m not even sure I know what that means. To be loved. Why does it seem to hurt? Everything hurts.

I just want to feel good but that doesn’t seem like an achievable goal for me.

I give up for today.

50 Shades of Grey

I debated writing about this because I’m very passionate about it but I decided to.

I just went to see the movie last night. I read all three of the books and am ready to read them all over again now that I’ve seen the movie. I love the love story that it entails. To me, it’s way more than some erotica novels or at all about the sexual scenarios. There’s a love story in there. The lifestyle that intertwines it all together is something I’m familiar with, passionate about, and understand. I love it.

I love how he changes to mold with her, and how she changes to mold with him and they end up in this perfect scenario for both of them.

Now, about the lifestyle. I love it. I often question why and have wondered if I’m bad for liking it and wanting it. All I can come with is that it’s intense. I am an intense person and I think without the intensity that lifestyle brings, I tend to become very unsure of what my partner is feeling for me. With the lifestyle, it is very clear. If you’re being punished, you know they’re unhappy, you did something wrong, and it’s being communicated. When you’re being rewarded even so much as being called a “good girl”, it’s again very clear that the other person is happy with you. I crave that.

Again, I debated writing about this because I am very passionate about it and it’s a very debatable topic.

I miss the elements of that lifestyle. I miss the clarity of it. I’m such an anxious, overly-analytical, insecure person, and in some ways I think that lifestyle helps me in those areas. I’ve wondered if it hurt me at the same time. I could never fully tell. I’m not sure if I should talk about this with my therapist or not. I don’t know.

Just seeing the movie really made me miss it. The feelings that come with it. That feeling of knowing you’ve made someone happy and while some may feel it is a twisted way of making someone else happy or that you shouldn’t have to “make someone happy” like that…I love it. It’s a mutual agreement that each person will hold a certain roll and each balances the other.

It just works.

The Sickness

Nausea. Tiredness. Fever. Sounds like the flu? But I think it’s just all anxiety-induced.

I’m going nuts. I think it’s in part because of withdraw from the meds, but I also know my relationship is triggering the shit out of me right now. I’m so tired of this situation with my boyfriend. I feel so neglected. I’m tired of it. Then when he texts me, if I don’t respond right away he is all sorts of worried. How does that not go both ways? Does he not get what it does to me when he is silent for hours? And when I text him all I get is these short answers?

I could hardly sleep. I feel so sick all over. My anxiety is so bad it’s making me ill. I’m shaky and getting the chills and hot flashes and I’m pretty sure I’m not actually sick. I’ve been trying all night to talk myself down but I can’t seem to.

I really hate life and love.

Backtracking?

I don’t know what’s going on. She increased my meds. Is that it? Are the meds just not working anymore? Were they ever? Do I just need a therapy session? Is it that I don’t have my anxiety meds and physically and mentally I’m racing and going nuts?

I don’t feel good. I feel how I used to. I feel like I’m about to go crazy. I want to self harm. I want to die. I am angry and very sad. I am depressed. I am bored and irritable. I want to quit everything.

Why? What is going on? Maybe I will never get better.

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

It’s me. Your little girl.

Remember that time when we were in church, and you were ushering and they dismissed the kids to go to their children’s service, and I ran out but ran back to give you a kiss and a hug? I remember that day vividly. One of the few moments in my childhood that I remember but I remember it because it was me allowing myself to be the daddy’s girl I always was and needed to be, but never fully could be.

Here I am, 29, and I still have that little girl inside of me, that Daddy’s girl. It’s sad that you were always too consumed with mental illness or addictions to be the Daddy that I needed, but I love you anyway. Like a child I find myself forgiving you for everything, being resilient and still wanting to be that little girl who just loves her Daddy, and is loved back by him.

I wanted to be your world, but your world was dangerous, busy, and full. Even though you’re gone, I somehow feel like I finally get to be that Daddy’s girl. You’re healthy and happy and no longer weighed down with your burdens. You can fit me in now, more than you ever could.

I miss you a lot today. I’m sitting in your chair, hugging your jacket, shedding many tears. Tears of sadness and tears of happiness.

I love you, Daddy. I can’t wait to see you again.

Suicidally Stressed

When I reach a certain level of stress, I get suicidal. Like right now. I’m aware, I guess, that being suicidal isn’t necessarily a “normal” response to this type of stress, or any stress maybe, but it’s just how I feel. When I get stressed and in situations where I feel like there are no options that will make everything work. There’s a puzzle piece missing and the last piece I have is no where near fitting.

I have to make some decisions and they are decisions I don’t like. Decisions that may make my daughter angry with me or sad but decisions I need to make for the sake of our family and well being. A decision that will delay something she wants. I feel awful but I just can’t do it all. I am one person, caring for two kids, trying to give all of us everything we want and sometimes I just have to say no or go back on my word because circumstances have changed.

Does that make me a bad mom? A good mom? Just a mom? I don’t know.

I feel a little better just having written this, though I still wish it were easier.