Suicidally Stressed

When I reach a certain level of stress, I get suicidal. Like right now. I’m aware, I guess, that being suicidal isn’t necessarily a “normal” response to this type of stress, or any stress maybe, but it’s just how I feel. When I get stressed and in situations where I feel like there are no options that will make everything work. There’s a puzzle piece missing and the last piece I have is no where near fitting.

I have to make some decisions and they are decisions I don’t like. Decisions that may make my daughter angry with me or sad but decisions I need to make for the sake of our family and well being. A decision that will delay something she wants. I feel awful but I just can’t do it all. I am one person, caring for two kids, trying to give all of us everything we want and sometimes I just have to say no or go back on my word because circumstances have changed.

Does that make me a bad mom? A good mom? Just a mom? I don’t know.

I feel a little better just having written this, though I still wish it were easier.


4 thoughts on “Suicidally Stressed

  1. I understand about feeling suicidal after a certain level of stress. It is very clear that you care very much about your children, and it’s not always about a child having what they want, so much as knowing that you have thought about their feelings and explained why it isn’t possible. I hope this doesn’t read as patronising. What I wanted to say is, it looks like you are doing everything you can to please everyone, and that shows your profound goodness, as a mother and a human being. The decision you make will be for the right reasons, and this is the best anyone can do. I hope you feel much better soon. xx

    1. I needed to hear that. I talked with my Sister about it too and I feel better about my decisions. My daughter will be unhappy but one day she will understand. I need to do what is best for all of us as a whole, and not just what she wants in the moment. Thank you for taking the time to write and show your support. It helped a lot.

  2. Anything and everything we do carries with it both results and ramifications. It is only with time that we learn what worked, what didn’t and why or why not.
    One of the things it took me the longest to really learn in life is that our individual capacity for happiness, for fulfillment and for what some might term success in one sense or another is our ability to sacrifice a certain desire or need we have now for the sake of something even greater in the future.
    Your daughter will be disappointed, maybe sad, maybe even hurt for a while.
    You will feel unjustifiably guilty for that.
    You can both come to realize, in time, that this was a much more important decision in so many ways than it appears on the surface to be now, and the pay-off for having done what needed to be done will be priceless.
    And one day she’ll be a teenager and she might start to understand.
    And on yet another day further down the road, she’ll thank you for it
    That might not be what you need to hear but I hope it’s something you’ll consider…
    … from a guy who made a lot of decisions his son didn’t like, a son who now has to make those same decisions for HIS son.
    Same shit, different generation.

    And it’s really good to hear you were able to reach out to your sister.

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