When I reach a certain level of stress, I get suicidal. Like right now. I’m aware, I guess, that being suicidal isn’t necessarily a “normal” response to this type of stress, or any stress maybe, but it’s just how I feel. When I get stressed and in situations where I feel like there are no options that will make everything work. There’s a puzzle piece missing and the last piece I have is no where near fitting.
I have to make some decisions and they are decisions I don’t like. Decisions that may make my daughter angry with me or sad but decisions I need to make for the sake of our family and well being. A decision that will delay something she wants. I feel awful but I just can’t do it all. I am one person, caring for two kids, trying to give all of us everything we want and sometimes I just have to say no or go back on my word because circumstances have changed.
Does that make me a bad mom? A good mom? Just a mom? I don’t know.
I feel a little better just having written this, though I still wish it were easier.