Giving into the Illness

My boyfriend is in China for 2 and a half weeks. He comes home in 5 days. I’ve made it this far and I’ve had my ups and downs…more downs than ups. Only one or two slightly major tantrums. However, I can’t take it anymore.

I don’t have the energy to fight it so I’m giving in. I may not talk to him anymore until Idk. Sometime after he is home. Or until I’m over my current episode. Who knows when that will be.

I hate this shit but this is me. Maybe he’ll realize I’m not worth it.

And now…I’m sad.

So I cried almost all through the entire movie. My boyfriend is in China for two and a half weeks. I don’t like it. He doesn’t understand what it does to me. Not that he shouldn’t go away just because it messes me up, but he just doesn’t understand. It makes me feel lost. I feel confused and like this empty space. Like I’m invisible, empty, nothing.

I’m sad. I look at my meds just now…I took them…but I looked at them and thought, “What do they do? Make me a better me? Or make me a different me? Do they take away the bad things so I’m left with the real me? Or do they simply make me a different person. And aren’t they just covering up these parts of me, that are still parts of me!? Why would I want to do that. But I remember how awful and torturous it was when I wasn’t on meds. But I don’t know who I am here. Am I good?”

So many thoughts. I want to be loved. That’s all. I want to be saved.

The Silver Lining

So I’m finally watching this movie. It’s making me want to cry. I remember being and feeling all of these ways. There’s a part of me that is sad to be on meds. While they help me to function normally, I don’t feel like myself. I just want to be me and I’m still not sure who that is.