So I cried almost all through the entire movie. My boyfriend is in China for two and a half weeks. I don’t like it. He doesn’t understand what it does to me. Not that he shouldn’t go away just because it messes me up, but he just doesn’t understand. It makes me feel lost. I feel confused and like this empty space. Like I’m invisible, empty, nothing.
I’m sad. I look at my meds just now…I took them…but I looked at them and thought, “What do they do? Make me a better me? Or make me a different me? Do they take away the bad things so I’m left with the real me? Or do they simply make me a different person. And aren’t they just covering up these parts of me, that are still parts of me!? Why would I want to do that. But I remember how awful and torturous it was when I wasn’t on meds. But I don’t know who I am here. Am I good?”
So many thoughts. I want to be loved. That’s all. I want to be saved.