BPD and Deciphering Emotions

How am I feeling right now? I’m not sure. All I know is I don’t think it’s good. No, I know it’s not good. I’m sick to my stomach with “not good”. I have a million things racing through my head. I’m hungry but I don’t want to eat. I have to though or everyone will think something is wrong. Hell, they always think something is wrong anyway, even when nothing is wrong at all. Which then gets me thinking…is something wrong with me? Am I blind to my own bad moods or feelings? Are they all right?

Afterall, I think with BPD comes the inability to always recognize your own emotions. At least for me. Sometimes it’s a struggle to determine what is wrong, if something is wrong at all or not, and if something is, what is it? What am I feeling? Why am I feeling it? What are these things, these things we call emotions? Which ones am I feeling?

I just don’t know sometimes 😦 Right now I feel bad. I want to die. I don’t want anyone to care. I want to just be left alone to die and disappear and for the world to go on. That’s what I wish.

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BPD-sode

I feel awfully borderline right now. Just when I think I may be free of its hauntings, it comes back k and reminds me of who I am. Nothing. It reminds me why I don’t want to live. Why I don’t matter and that I never will. No one can fill the void that BPD leaves in me. It’s not possible apparently. Thank you BPD for all of your lovely reminders. You are relentless and today you win. I don’t have the energy to fight you. You’re too strong. If only…