BPD-sode

I feel awfully borderline right now. Just when I think I may be free of its hauntings, it comes back k and reminds me of who I am. Nothing. It reminds me why I don’t want to live. Why I don’t matter and that I never will. No one can fill the void that BPD leaves in me. It’s not possible apparently. Thank you BPD for all of your lovely reminders. You are relentless and today you win. I don’t have the energy to fight you. You’re too strong. If only…

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17 thoughts on “BPD-sode

    1. I am sorry that you are experiencing this, I wish that there was something supportive that I could say or do that would be helpful.

      Perhaps your can help me in this context? My suspected BPD fiance cut and run almost a year ago. We never argued or even disagreed very much if at all. She had just moved in and we had ordered our rings and began to plan our wedding. I went out of town for work and she broke up with me via text and then blocked me, I have not heard from her since.

      I am convinced that BPD was what had caused her to do this, but I have struggled to understand why the cut off has been so complete. Though I have learned that she is not with a replacement, she has maintained her silence and extreme avoidance; I have tired to reach out a handful of times and she has called in favors to lawyers and the police to threaten me with a PPO (even though the ground are not there, she was trying to frighten me). Even my attempt to recover the engagement ring (I had to buy a low cost band while her permanent ring was being built) has been met with extreme resistance (she hired a lawyer to defend herself against a $500 claim!!).

      I know that everyone is different but does it fade in and fade out? What is up with the extreme avoidance?

      1. The extreme avoidance is really just extreme fear. It’s sad what it makes us do and we realize the destruction we cause which makes us push away even more. It’s like starting a painting and messing it up so badly that you scrap it and start o er with somwthing new thinking you won’t mess up this time. I’m sorry you went thru that. I too wish I had better thi hs to say to you.

      2. Thanks Mandi….that makes the most sense within the BPD framework….she DOES seem fearful of me though I don’t think that I eve so much raised my voice to her (nor anyone else) and the analogy seems to fit her other relationships; COMPLETE discards without any looking back. I suspect that her last relationship was long distance for the very consideration that it would be easier to discard someone who lived far away if things went sideways.

        But what of the fear? What causes her to be so fearful?

        Sorry for all of the questions.

      3. Well said! I have always liked at ending things as wiping the slat clean. Start fresh so all my errors are erased.
        So very sorry for the distribution I’ve caused.

      4. @Star0dawn…are you saying that you are a pwBPD and this is the way that end relationships? What do you mean by ‘distribution’?

      5. Sorry auto correct destroys what I try to say all the time. I meant to say destruction. I’m not sure what the PW stand for in front of the bpd. I am bpd yes.

  1. Being abandoned. Most of us have a very distorted self image and don’t believe we are good enough to be loved unconsitionally. We fear getting close to people for fear they will see who we really are and will see we aren’t good enough and will then leave us. We want nothing more than to be loved but it’s our biggest fear at the same time. Plus we know we hurt people and we don’t mean or want to hurt you. We basically set ourselves up for failure. I’m sorry. It’s very complicated and difficult for both sides.

    1. No…I think that I understand. It was bewildering to me at first, she and I were very compatible and very much in love with one another. It wasn’t the idealization type of adoration that is typical with some BPD relationships, it was real. Hence my amazement at the extreme nature of the cut off. It took me a while but I recall from another forum where someone had indicated that the more that we meant to them, the more extreme the cut off and discard. Does that make sense?

      One last question (and I thank you profusely for your thoughts): On previous recycles, she would tell me after the fact that once she saw me, her disregulation would end immediately and everything would be normal (which I alwyas thought was a bit odd). I think that this goes hand in hand with her avoidance somehow. What do you suspect will happen if she sees me? I realize that this is nothing more than a guess…….

      1. That’s true. The more you mean to us the worse of our symptoms you will get. That also used to happen to me that as soon as I’d see my ex I’d snap out of it. I avoid my current bf when I’m feeling my symptoms come up and I notice I won’t look at his face. It hurts because I know I’m hurting him and I’m so set on keeping up my wall but I know if I look at him I’ll break down.

      2. Hmmmmm….,I’m glad that you said that…it explains a lot..so are you saying that if you look at his face that it reminds you that you are putting him through pain and that to know that you are doing so makes you snap out of it? Is that why mine is avoiding me almost to the extent that it is a punishment worse than the most painful death itself? That she KNOWS that if she sees me that she will (for lack of a better word) succumb?

    1. pw=people with

      do you ever look back at a relationship or person that you discarded with any fondness at all…or when they are done, they are done: you never look back, contact them etc?

      I am trying to understand the behavior of my ex fiance who cut me off suddenly and blocked me from contact. It still amazes me not only how it happened but that she has continued to block me almost one year later.

      1. Absolutely, I look back often. You have to remember black and white thinking is so very prominent. So it is in absolute black OR white that I look back. Good OR bad. Never a grey area and I usually rip myself out from my fond nostalgia by going deep into the negative hurts and pains that sent me running.
        I have also found friendship in the arms of past loves, but it took years to get to that point. I am sorry your suffering but allow her space and hope for a small chance to be introduced back into her life without any threats to her comfort. Mean in her time frame. This is how I’ve become friends with past lovers.

      2. I am painted SO black that I don’t think that it will every be the case that I hear from her ever again. The amount of damage that she has done in terms of burning bridges is immense; I just don’t see how she could ever make amends and ‘fix’ it to that point. Yet, it came so much by surprise that it has left me highly traumatized and more hurt than I have ever been in my life.

        Its funny: she refuses contact but stalks me on social media, was making silent calls to my house and is in contact with a friend of mine that I did not know when she and I were together!!! I couldn’t be more confused by the mixed signals….

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