Here…again…

So it’s been a really long while since I’ve written a post. I’ve gotten some comments on other posts and have had some thoughtful and intriguing back and forths with some others looking for advice or information. BUT…now I’m the one who needs help.

I’ve been here, in this place, too many times. And even though I haven’t written in quite some time, it doesn’t mean I’ve been doing well. I just haven’t announced it. I’ve been busy finding the wrong guys, wasting time on them, trying to move up in my job and buying a new home.

While some of those are same old same olds, some are new and “good”. So you’d think. So I moved into my first home (that I’ve bought), in about May. I rescued a dog at the same time. The dog just so happened to have been a pit bull. I won’t go into details because, well, I’m working really hard at trying to make long stories short, but also because I just don’t want to talk about it.

The point is, my neighbor hates me. How do I know? Does this sound like the words of someone who likes you? “I’m going to be the nosiest bitch of neighbor I can possibly be until you move out.”….? And guess why she hates me so much? 1) I rescue pit bulls. 2) I’ve got red hair. OMG!!!! Secret is out. No, it’s not natural red hair. I have my own unique style. I pretty much mind my business but am also not interested in fitting into any type of mold that anyone else thinks I should fit into. I did that for too long and now I’m just being me. Turns out, a lot of people really hate that. Especially my  neighbor.

So, she’s basically made it a point to do whatever she can to make my and my kids lives, miserable. That aside, I met a new guy about 2 months ago. We hit it off right away and for the first time in my life, I thought I found a good one. I do think he is a good one, but he doesn’t understand me. Not only that, but he’s sort of insensitive, and I’m hyper-sensitive at times, and unfortunately, lately, with my mental instability, we’ve been clashing. I was just at his house and we were hanging out with his neighbors which I actually love to do. I’m not much of a social person, but his neighbors are really nice and I am very comfortable with them. Well my boyfriend (possibly now ex-boyfriend?) thought his one joke would be funny, when it reality it was totally at my expense and was very embarrassing. Humiliating. To top it off, I got an email from the president of the board where I live, that my dog was howling because he was alone. Oh my god! For real? My dog barks? WHO KNEW!? Heaven forbid my dog would ever bark. I kindly answered her email reminding her (as she also stated in my email) that we just got him a week ago and he is adjusting and unfortunately this is part of the process.

So, all in this one moment, I have my boyfriend humiliating me in front of his neighbors, and I’ve got my own shitty neighbors that I hate coming home to each day. I’ve got no safe place. NONE. I’ve got drama with my neighbors in my own home and I can’t even go to my boyfriends to chill out because he’s putting me on the spot.

Ok, so he didn’t mean it. He didn’t have bad intentions. That doesn’t take the hurt away. I JUST got done having a talk with him yesterday about my “issues” and asked him to please be cautious of how he talks to me. I don’t even know what to do. I do believe in my heart that he is a good guy. But FUCK. Why am I always the one to forgive and forgive and take the shit. Why am I not good enough? Why can’t I be loved? Why is there no man out there, who sees me, and gets to know me, and just makes it a point to treat me with care. All of the time. Why can’t I find a man that would NEVER make a very sensitive comment about his girlfriend, at her expense, to others, just for a few laughs.

I don’t want to make it sound like he’s just some asshole. He can be an asshole. He’s a funny guy. He just hit a nerve. And now, we’re broken up? I think.

I honestly want to die. During my 40 minute drive home, I bawled. Bawled, sobbed, yelled to God AGAIN. I don’t understand, God. What do you want me to learn? Why do you keep allowing me to feel hurt and pain? If God doesn’t even care about you…what do you have left?

So here it is. I want to die. I’ve wanted to die for majority of my life. I remember being a child and wanting to die. Under 10 years old. Fantasizing about it every night when I should have been sleeping. And here I am, how many years later, fantasizing and even begging God for the same thing. The pain is immense. I’m tired of carrying this weight. I don’t want to live alone anymore. My mom and I don’t always see eye to eye, but I feel like I just want to go “home”. I need taken care of. I’m not ok. I just want my kids to make it to 18. Then I can go.

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5 thoughts on “Here…again…

  1. Hello Mandi
    I finished reading the back entries on your blog about a week ago and had wanted to contact you. I read because I was trying to understand someone really important in my life and what you write has been immensely helpful.

    I had wanted to write and tell you that I’m now following your blog and will read your new posts; that I might not always know what to say but that I really wish you well and am hoping for the best for you.

    Today I got you post asking for help so that’s prompted me to actually reply rather than just intend to.

    I am so sorry to hear that you want to die again and to see you write that you have wanted to die for so much of your life, that your life can be so unbearably hard. I wish you had a safe home to go to too.

    All I can offer is to listen and care – it seems like such a week response to your pain but I am here cheerleading you on from the side lines.

    ps – red hair is cool 🙂

    1. Hi. Thank you very much for your reply. It amazes me sometimes how I just started this blog as a personal journal for myself and it’s come to help others and even bring some people to me when I just need to know that someone out there hears me and understands. I appreciate it more than you may ever know.

  2. Morning,
    I’ve been there before and all I can say is this too shall pass. You know that we love to make mountains out of molehills and sometimes you need to stop, think and be thankful for the small and basic things. You have your health, children, beautiful home. I would say as hard as it is, don’t sweat the small stuff. Something that always helps me is doing something for myself like getting a massage, pedicure or facial and just pampering myself. It usually helps to turn my mood around when I get into an episode and the stress seems to pile up. I’ve also been reading a lot of books on bpd and it helps to really recognize what’s going on when it happens. I hope that helps and that you feel better ASAP. Nothing hurts more than these times. You are not alone.

    Take care,
    Michelle

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