Hello Paranoia

I’m freaking out. I’m paranoid as fuck. I need ridiculous amounts of reassurance from my boyfriend right now. I asked if we were ok and told him I was very worried. He said we are ok but I can’t shake this feeling. I mean, I’m sure he would tell me if he was unhappy. That’s just his personality. But I still can’t get rid of this. I can literally feel it crawling through my body. This feeling. It’s like it takes over my heart and beats extra hard and fast to pump this paranoia poison through my veins and before I know it, it infects my brain and I’m all fucked up. I feel like I’m going to lose it.

What the fuck is going on!?

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One thought on “Hello Paranoia

  1. Hi Mandi
    I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with so much.

    I initially intended just to listen so if you’d rather I didn’t write much (or at all)  please say as I’m trying to help and if this isn’t then I’ll stop.

    I have read your past posts (my memory is poor so I hope I’ve got things right) and I’m wondering about why now is so difficult as things do seem comparatively harder for you now than they have been for a long time – although this might just be that you’ve not posted about it.

    Anyway I was wondering about your nightmares and ptsd as I think you have said you have been diagnosed with this. The reason I’m thinking about this is that you’ve posted about these dreams before and it was at a time of high stress so I thought maybe now is particularly difficult and the dreams are partly a horrible symptom of that. Having said that you linked the nightmares  to your meds and you are best placed to know. I guess I’m wondering if it could be both as it seems that the meds do not always cause this.

    Then I was thinking about you moving into your first house that is yours with a mortgage and just wondering if that was a trigger. No reason really other than it being a big change and a commitment.

    I was also wondering how long you have been with your boyfriend and if this is a long term relationship and if becoming closer is partly causing the paranoia.

    Also of course you are sleep deprived and dealing with the stresses of being a working single mum without enough money and support plus difficult neighbours.

    Finally you ask ‘what is going on? Reading your blog has left me so impressed with your self awareness. I’m very hesitant to put my thoughts across because I think you know you best; even if your thoughts feel twisted by paranoia I think your assessment at the end of the day will be right.

    M
    x

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