Can’t I catch a break?

I thought I was starting to feel better but I guess I was just being stupid and manic. I should’ve known better.

Here I am ready to die again. This is so ass backwards. I am so angry I don’t even know what to say. So angry at how unfair this all is that I have to live like this.

I don’t know why I attempt anything in life. I want nothing. I want to disappear and fade away into death. Out of this shitty game people call life.

I know life isn’t fair but fucking seriously.  Why would you allow some people to live being genuinely able to be happy. People that could never relate to or understand an ounce of what I go through. And then completely rid others, like myself, of being able to fulfill daily fucking functions without such immense emotional and mental suffering.

I am so angry that each breath I take makes me even more livid that life has gotten over on me for yet another breath of this shitty fucking life.

Fuck you life. Fuck. You. Fuck everything. I want to slit my fucking wrists and watch myself bleed out until my body gives the fuck up. I’d love to watch myself die. To feel it. It will be the happiest moments of my entire fucking shitty ass fucking life.

Jaye’s Topic

So Jaye said:

My BPD ghosted me 2 years ago right after she moved in and we ordered our wedding rings…we never argued or fought ever! then one day, poof. An angry text from out of nowhere telling me she moved out..I have not heard anything from her since then (though there have been some online and phone ‘stuff’ that was likely her).

I am largely over it but I am still amazed by it all and wonder about this or that. I know that she does not have a replacement for me. Does she think about me? What goes through her head? I realize everyone is different even with BPD, but what would your perspective be?

I say:

These are just my own thoughts and may or may not be right or wrong. I hope it provides some insight.

First, I’m very sorry to hear that this happened. I don’t know what your relationship was like but it sounds like things were fine and then “poof!” So I put myself in her potential shoes and here are my thoughts.

Leaving was obviously an impulsive move so we do know that something happened inside of her. There may or may not have been something you did that triggered her and caused her to react by leaving. It could have simply been that being loved was just too much to handle. We don’t think very highly of ourselves and I think it is safe to say that many of us don’t know how to be loved. It could have overwhelmed her and fight or flight kicked in and she impulsively “left before she was left”.

Or maybe she was trying to save you from her?

I know for myself, there have been moments that I’ve thought about breaking up with my boyfriend. I happen to know it was all triggered by my illness but there have been a variety of reasons but they all come down to my illness. If I left him, I guarantee I’d check up on him. He’s a great guy. I’d even be mad at him for moving on if or when he did. It’s almost like it’s safer to love someone from a distance because being emotionally close to someone, hurts us tremendously. I am very happy in my relationship, but it kills me. Relationships are hard for me. Very hard.

She clearly has thought about you if you believe her to have tried to contact you or whatever the “stuff” was. I’m sure a lot goes through her head. It’s a cycle and her thoughts and feelings about you most likely shift with the cycle of her illness. There may be times that she hates you for “letting her go”, or she self-punishes in some fashion for being such an idiot and leaving you, or she may feel safe at the separation and no more chance for potential hurt or at times she may feel nothing at all. I think those are some of the major phases.

I’m not happy with my answer to this question but this is all I’ve got right now. BPD is complex as hell.

 

To My Kids

I know some may read this and think that it is contradictory to my suicidal desires. But this is a different topic.

Why I will never give up on you…

Yes, you may be difficult at times. You say mean things that no parent wants to hear but that most, often do. You hurt my feelings and make me question myself as a parent. You exhaust me mentally. When you don’t get what you want, you make it a point to let me know how terrible of a mother I am, or how I make life so unbearable here that you’d rather go live with someone else; including your father who may soon get out of jail since you were 4 and has no home, job, or any idea how to be a parent.

But I won’t give up on you, regardless of any of those things. Why not?

I know what it feels like to be given up on.

I gave my mom a hard time. As an adult I now can understand  more of her side. She was going through hell and I was making it so much harder. I wouldn’t have gotten any better so I don’t think she could have saved me, but I still feel like she gave up and that’s one of the worst feelings. How could a parent give up on their child? How could you just let me go? Why wasn’t I worth it? There are many thoughts and feelings that come along with feeling like your parents gave up on you.

I don’t want you to ever feel that way. I want you to grow up and realize how hard I fought for you, in the midst of any personal struggles I was also facing. I want you to look back and think, “Wow. What if my mom would have actually let me go with my dad. What would have happened? Where would I be now?”

Or were I to “give up on you” and give you want you want, knowing you will have a much harder life with your dad, and not because he is more strict but because he is a drug addict and doesn’t even know how to take care of himself. Where will that lead you if you have no real parent in your life to teach you how to be an adult? I never want you going down a bad path and wondering if I could have saved you if I just would have stuck to my guns because I know what is best for you.

I won’t give up on you. You don’t deserve that. You are the only reason I fight as hard as I do against my illness. I hold on so strongly to the fact that one day you will be grown and will finally understand.

I won’t give up on you, even if you’ve given up on me. I could never live with that.

They don’t even need me…

So I try to do a lot for my kids. I didn’t have the greatest childhood and I try to remember what I went through and how I felt and I try to make sure I don’t do that to my kids.

I work hard. I have worked very hard to get where I am. My tweet daughter just dismisses me. I’m only good enough for her when I’m giving her something or when she wants or needs something. I’ve been working very hard to be a better mom and disciplinarian because she was just turning into such an entitled disrespectful brat.

It worked. For a little. And today she started acting up again because I wouldn’t drive her to the park. So I took her new phone that I just bought her and told her to stay in her room until she was done being disrespectful.

So she proceeded to tell me that is why she hates living with me and wants to live with my mom or her dad (who has been in jail since she was 4 and still is). So just like that I am nothing.

My son over the summer was telling me how terrible of a mom I am.

I really have no reason to be here. I don’t know what I’m fighting for.

Why it’s time

Problems with my neighbors.

I don’t understand people, probably never will and I don’t know how to socialize. Do I even want to? Who fucking knows.

I’ve been hurt my entire life. Clearly I’m not meant to be here for happiness or positive purpose.

Kids will be better off. Don’t tell me otherwise. 

I’m replaceable at work. Who isn’t?

I fail all over the place. Struggling financially. Can’t make it through one day without wanting to die.

Which brings me to another point. I can’t go another fucking day like this.

Family doesn’t respect me for anything.

I’m never good enough. 

What am I even fucking doing here? What a joke.

I need to Die

So I know I seemed fine in my last post and I was trying really hard but today has been rough and I just keep getting worse.

I can’t wait until that date on my calendar. It’s way too far away but FUCK I know I have to. This just isn’t right. It’s not right that any human being has to live this way. It’s no fucking way to live. How am I supposed to just survive like this?

WHY?

I don’t understand.

Everything hurts. Every-fucking-thing. EVERYTHING!!!!

Do you get it?! How is this acceptable!? How it is ok that I wake up every morning and instantly I’m filled with dread. This fucking poison. I can’t do it anymore. I just fucking can’t.

Topics?

I’m trying this again. It seems that when I write posts from my phone, that’s when they show up blank. I have to figure this out.

does anyone have any topic suggestions in relation to BPD that you’d like me to write about?