Jaye’s Topic

So Jaye said:

My BPD ghosted me 2 years ago right after she moved in and we ordered our wedding rings…we never argued or fought ever! then one day, poof. An angry text from out of nowhere telling me she moved out..I have not heard anything from her since then (though there have been some online and phone ‘stuff’ that was likely her).

I am largely over it but I am still amazed by it all and wonder about this or that. I know that she does not have a replacement for me. Does she think about me? What goes through her head? I realize everyone is different even with BPD, but what would your perspective be?

I say:

These are just my own thoughts and may or may not be right or wrong. I hope it provides some insight.

First, I’m very sorry to hear that this happened. I don’t know what your relationship was like but it sounds like things were fine and then “poof!” So I put myself in her potential shoes and here are my thoughts.

Leaving was obviously an impulsive move so we do know that something happened inside of her. There may or may not have been something you did that triggered her and caused her to react by leaving. It could have simply been that being loved was just too much to handle. We don’t think very highly of ourselves and I think it is safe to say that many of us don’t know how to be loved. It could have overwhelmed her and fight or flight kicked in and she impulsively “left before she was left”.

Or maybe she was trying to save you from her?

I know for myself, there have been moments that I’ve thought about breaking up with my boyfriend. I happen to know it was all triggered by my illness but there have been a variety of reasons but they all come down to my illness. If I left him, I guarantee I’d check up on him. He’s a great guy. I’d even be mad at him for moving on if or when he did. It’s almost like it’s safer to love someone from a distance because being emotionally close to someone, hurts us tremendously. I am very happy in my relationship, but it kills me. Relationships are hard for me. Very hard.

She clearly has thought about you if you believe her to have tried to contact you or whatever the “stuff” was. I’m sure a lot goes through her head. It’s a cycle and her thoughts and feelings about you most likely shift with the cycle of her illness. There may be times that she hates you for “letting her go”, or she self-punishes in some fashion for being such an idiot and leaving you, or she may feel safe at the separation and no more chance for potential hurt or at times she may feel nothing at all. I think those are some of the major phases.

I’m not happy with my answer to this question but this is all I’ve got right now. BPD is complex as hell.



2 thoughts on “Jaye’s Topic

  1. Thank you so much for your perspective and thoughts on this, it has been the most puzzling and troublesome episode of my life by far. Our children were referring to one another as brother and sister….she has only moved in 3 weeks earlier!! We NEVER argued or disagreed (which in and of itself should have been a red flag). We were both deeply in love and looking forward to our life together.

    In the end, I received a text message : ‘our relationship is over….I have moved out..,..don’t try to contact me’ and then was blocked EVERYWHERE (she even blocked family members and friends that she met through me AND convinced her family and friends to do the same!!!); this happened when I was away for work. A couple of weeks later, I tried to call her from a hotel phone and then three months later…both times she called the police on me!!

    A year later, I wanted to get my ring returned and had to take her to small claims court in order to make it happen. She escalated the case to full trial and got attorneys involved insisting that she had left it when she moved out and did not have it (I ended up winning). The case was crazy as was her behavior around it. At the same time, I offered her stuff for return to her but she refused to accept it though it significant and priceless family heirloom kind of stuff….I would have willingly given it to her but refused it through her lawyer.

    Her behavior after the breakup was so inconsistent it simply blows my mind. I treated her extremely well and never so much as raised my voice to her, EVER. There were, however, a handful of breakups and recycles that were highly odd upon reflection even a day after the fact. I thought that it was just something that she needed to get out of her system at the time but came to realize what it was in the aftermath of the last breakup.

    Even though I realize could never have this person back in my life, I truly miss her. I miss our relationship. It hurts as if someone had died. It makes me sad even this long after the fact. I think about her every day and shake my head. I often wonder how she could walk away. How she can be so angry. What she thinks now. If she ever thinks about me if anything (I know that here it is 2 years later and she is not dating anyone).

    Your thoughts help me to reinforce some things that I suspected. I think that, among other things, she is angry that I had not defied even the threat of legal action to ‘come back and get her’. Even with what I have learned about BPD after the fact, even this is super extreme behavior. Understandably, this was highly traumatic and hurtful to myself and my, then, 15 year old daughter (she loved her too!). Reading remarks like yours helps to assuage my hurt ad somehow bring understanding to something that never even had a strange explanation. If you come across any other thoughts, please let me know.

    All the best to you!

    1. You said this happened while you were away for work. That could have been the trigger. Even a temporary leave can feel like abandonment and make us go crazy. It could’ve been something else but that jumped out at me immediately.

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