To My Kids

I know some may read this and think that it is contradictory to my suicidal desires. But this is a different topic.

Why I will never give up on you…

Yes, you may be difficult at times. You say mean things that no parent wants to hear but that most, often do. You hurt my feelings and make me question myself as a parent. You exhaust me mentally. When you don’t get what you want, you make it a point to let me know how terrible of a mother I am, or how I make life so unbearable here that you’d rather go live with someone else; including your father who may soon get out of jail since you were 4 and has no home, job, or any idea how to be a parent.

But I won’t give up on you, regardless of any of those things. Why not?

I know what it feels like to be given up on.

I gave my mom a hard time. As an adult I now can understand  more of her side. She was going through hell and I was making it so much harder. I wouldn’t have gotten any better so I don’t think she could have saved me, but I still feel like she gave up and that’s one of the worst feelings. How could a parent give up on their child? How could you just let me go? Why wasn’t I worth it? There are many thoughts and feelings that come along with feeling like your parents gave up on you.

I don’t want you to ever feel that way. I want you to grow up and realize how hard I fought for you, in the midst of any personal struggles I was also facing. I want you to look back and think, “Wow. What if my mom would have actually let me go with my dad. What would have happened? Where would I be now?”

Or were I to “give up on you” and give you want you want, knowing you will have a much harder life with your dad, and not because he is more strict but because he is a drug addict and doesn’t even know how to take care of himself. Where will that lead you if you have no real parent in your life to teach you how to be an adult? I never want you going down a bad path and wondering if I could have saved you if I just would have stuck to my guns because I know what is best for you.

I won’t give up on you. You don’t deserve that. You are the only reason I fight as hard as I do against my illness. I hold on so strongly to the fact that one day you will be grown and will finally understand.

I won’t give up on you, even if you’ve given up on me. I could never live with that.

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2 thoughts on “To My Kids

  1. I like this. There’s that fierce protective love – as though you are saying that you are not going to let anything harm your children even though you are having to find more strength than you know you have, you will find it somehow.

    M
    x

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