Where did they go?

So it’s no secret that I typically hate emotions, though mainly because they’re always so intense for me that they make me crazy.

Well feeling absolutely nothing at all is no better. I have no sadness, no care, just nothing. Like my emotions have just completely shut down in an effort to protect myself at how emotional I was yesterday and how bad I was hurting.

I mean, thanks…but no thanks. I know how this goes and usually something will happen that breaks me enough to bring tears and that’s usually been the only way to start feeling again. Sadness. What a way to get back into things.

I just want donuts.

Fed the fuck up

I am so fucking fed up with everything. My life is a god damn mess. People at my job are fucking lazy idiots and nothing gets done about it. I’m a fucked up mess of shit.

I can’t go on like this. I’m so angry with God right now it’s disgusting. Why the hell do I need to live this way. What the fuck did I ever do to deserve the shit I’ve  been through and how fucking fucked up I am. 

I’m tired of everything. I just want to disappear in the worst way and be done with this. I can’t stand myself right now. I can’t stand being me. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin right now and to be brutally honest, I want to harm the shit out of myself right now. I don’t give a fuck what anybody says. I want blood, pain, and fucking death.

Therapy Today

I guess it’s good I start therapy today. DBT. I’m sure today will be some sort of intro session and not real therapy but I guess I gotta start somewhere. 

Last night was terrible. The whole day was. I was so emotional and everything was making me cry and hurt so badly. My boyfriend said something harshly, to his own admittance, and it really got to me. I told him when I got home I just wanted to be alone.

So I came home, cleaned up and then locked myself in my bedroom with my dog. Before I know it he is angrily jiggling on the doorknob. I opened to door and then he was mad that I let the dog on the bed. My dog, while he does frustrate me sometimes, is therapeutic for me. He stormed off and left. I decided to go upstairs since he was gone and then he came back and started arguing with me and I got so angry and just told him to get out.

Well he did. Im not even sure what I feel now. A lot of mixed emotions and yet nothing at all. All at the same time. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere. Once again I just feel like life would be easier if I were just gone. I’m tired of living like this.

Bad Dreams and Voices

Not a good night. I’ve been up since a little past 4am when I was woken up by a terrible dream. I was so relieved when I saw my boyfriend but for a bit I didn’t know where I was. I couldn’t get back to sleep but I tried. And then the voices. I could hear them upstairs talking loudly. I don’t think it was the same men then have often attacked me in the middle of the night but like those men, they didn’t seem to care that we, or I, could hear them and knew they were there. I woke my boyfriend up again and he said no one was here and then they all stopped talking but I couldn’t sleep still. Just waiting for the next bad dream, voice, or room invasion like they’ve done to me before.

I’m trying to chalk it all up to my high stress day but who knows. I’ve been dealing with nightmares and shit like this since I can remember.

Can’t stop it

It’s happening again and I just can’t stop it. I’m going to go nuts. I want to run again. Just go. Idk where but it’s racing through me and I just need to go. I don’t know where to go or what I’d do.

It’s taking all I have to contain it. I’m trying to sleep it away but it’s just boiling inside me and screaming at me. People say to just tell it to shut up but I can’t. I tried but it’s right. Or maybe it is and what if it is. And then I don’t listen to it. 

It’s so powerful. I’m tired. I give up.

Feeling Abandoned

My boyfriend just left. I mean, in my mind I think I am aware that he is just going to work for the day, but I can’t help but feeling like he just left. Totally abandoned me.

I’m laying here in bed and should be enjoying my last hour of sleep but I can’t. I just want to cry and freak out. All I can see in my head is the replay of the bedroom door closing behind him.

I remember this feeling. I used to get it when being dropped off at the babysitter’s house when I was little but I never showed up other than completely shutting down once left.

I also remember feeling it when my dad left. While there was a huge relief there also, I couldn’t believe he had just walked out without a fight. He didn’t even want to stay.

“Daddy’s Little Girl” by Frankie J. Watch the video if you care to. It’s how I feel.

I hate this feeling. I just want to sleep.

Again!?

I’m frustrated. I was doing really well but the past couple of days have been rough. I don’t know why but I’m so irritable.

The other night I was just scared. Like I can feel this monster lurking. I’m fucking 31 and I still need a night light.

I feel like I’m walking on fucking eggshells around this god damn illness and I’m so tired of it. I’m so tired of it getting me. Taking over. Fucking with my head.

It’s fucking relentless and I feel absolutely powerless to this thing.

BPD and Psychosis

Sorry in advance. This will be long but informative.

WHAT IS PSYCHOSIS? (http://www.cedarclinic.org/index.php/understanding-early-psychosis/what-is-psychosis)

Psychosis is a set of symptoms that involve a person’s mind “playing tricks on him or her.”  The person experiencing psychosis may have difficulty telling the difference between his or her own thoughts and perceptions and those that come from the outside world. Although real to the person experiencing psychosis, psychotic experiences are not experienced as real to others. In fact, as a medical term, psychosis refers to a loss of contact with reality, or difficulty telling what is real from what is not real.

Psychosis is more common than many people think. Symptoms may come and go or be relatively constant. It is often associated with mental health disorders like depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia.  However, psychosis can also occur for many other reasons, including substance abuse, brain injury, seizure disorders, or conditions of extreme sleep deprivation or isolation.

 

SYMPTOMS OF PSYCHOSIS (Mayo Clinic and Others)

People may experience:
Behavioral: disorganized behavior, aggression, agitation, hostility, hyperactivity, hypervigilance, nonsense word repetition, repetitive movements, restlessness, self-harm, social isolation, lack of restraint, or persistent repetition of words or actions
Cognitive: thought disorder, belief that an ordinary event has special and personal meaning, belief that thoughts aren’t one’s own, disorientation, memory loss, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, thoughts of suicide, unwanted thoughts, difficulty thinking and understanding, or false belief of superiority
Mood: anger, anxiety, apathy, excitement, feeling detached from self, general discontent, limited range of emotions, loneliness, or nervousness
Psychological: fear, hearing voices, depression, manic episode, paranoia, persecutory delusion, religious delusion, or visual hallucinations
Speech: deficiency of speech, excessive wordiness, incoherent speech, or rapid and frenzied speaking
Also common: confusion, nightmares, or tactile hallucination
HOW PSYCHOSIS AND BPD RELATE
Other than many (or all) of the above items relating to my personal episodes of BPD, there are a couple of other things I read that I feel also relate.
Other similar difficulties between Psychosis and BPD:
1. Withdrawal from the outside world, including from one’s family, friends, and even one’s own self (often due to a drop in or “absence” of interest or ability to relate to others)
2. Trouble thinking clearly and communicating with others (the person may talk very little or very rapidly)
3. Trouble interpreting social cues of others
Other research:
1. Someone with severe BPD can have brief periods of some symptoms which are similar to some of those experienced in schizophrenia (in regards to phsychosis).(http://aapel.org/bdp/BLschizophreniaUS.html)
2. Based on information from the National Institute of Mental Health, some sufferers of BPD often have psychotic episodes as well, and three-quarters of the BPD population are thought to practice self-injury. (http://www.dualdiagnosis.org/borderline-personality-disorder-and-addiction/signs/)
3. When stressed, people with borderline personality disorder may develop psychotic-like symptoms. They experience a distortion of their perceptions or beliefs rather than a distinct break with reality. Especially in close relationships, they tend to misinterpret or amplify what other people feel about them. For example, they may assume a friend or family member is having extremely hateful feelings toward them, when the person may be only mildly annoyed or angry. (https://www.drugs.com/health-guide/borderline-personality-disorder.html)