Well my sister found my blog the other day. I wasn’t too crazy about that. I write some brutal honesty and I felt ashamed. However, she went and bought my meds for me that I couldn’t afford and told me that every 20 days she is going to check on me to make sure I have the money for my refills. So sister, if you’re reading this, thank you.
On a positive note, with the increase in my Geodon and now remembering to also take my lamictal, I’ve been doing better. Idk why but I realized the other day that I had been forgetting to take it.
I had another running away episode. Just ran out the back door and up the hill through the yards. Panicking. Crying. Not knowing what to do with everything that was going on inside me. I eventually went back home. My boyfriend talked to me. It was then I remembered the other meds and started taking them all and I noticed a change within a day or two. I had one day in particular that I remember feeling actually very well, but I know I had a couple of good days in a row which has been unheard of for quite some time. My anxiety has been worse and I’ve been a bit nauseous in the mornings since the increase but it’s worth it if I feel more clear minded and my rage has been less explosive and more controllable. I’ve been much easier to talk down if I start to get escalated.
On a negative note, I walked out of therapy. On one of my good days at that. I have this one hot button that I made clear with my therapist on day 1 and a couple of times since then, he has pushed that button. Well it happened the other day and that was it for me. I don’t want to go back. I don’t even want to talk about it but he just doesn’t understand and there’s something wrong with feeling good before therapy and shitty after. Which has happened too many times. So now I just have my new psychiatrist and my new meds. We’ll see what happens.
Things have been up and down with my relationship lately too but just because of how unstable I’ve been. I’ve been causing a lot of nonsense. He’s been patient but the other day it got out of hand. The next morning we talked about it and even though it sucks when we fight, I always feel closer with him after we make up. I love this guy. Like for the first time in my life I trust someone. Whole-heartedly. With everything. It feels good.