Fucked up AGAIN

All it takes is one thing. 

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today which is mainly med management with a short therapy session. The only good I got out of this day is that he is hooking me up with a DBT therapist which I so desperately need.

Then one thing happens. I mean I know it’s small and I should let it go but I can’t stop it. It feels like something rips it’s evil claws into my stomach and is pulling out my insides. My brain gets frantic and instantly I’m in a rage that no one fucking understands.

I just want this to stop torturing me. God fucking forever. My whole life since I can remember. I can’t fucking stand it. Now everything is setting me off and I’m paranoid as fuck and I just want to die. I already know how I will do it. I just need two things. A place and the fucking guts to actually do it. It’s just not right that anyone should have to fucking live this way.

Just stop. I just want it to stop and leave me alone. Why?? Why can’t it just stop 😦


5 thoughts on “Fucked up AGAIN

  1. Mandi….I wish that there was something that I could say or do that would help….I have been reading….I am with you and thinking about you…I don’t know it that makes a difference at all…..

  2. It’s sort of feels like BPD is some sort of horrible drug. I’m sorry Mandi; I wish the good times were longer.

    I’m having some dark days myself so I can kind of relate although I know my difficulties are so much smaller than yours.

    It’s good about the DBT though.


  3. I think I can speak for the many people who visit your site when I say we don’t want you to go anywhere. As you struggle through life at times you have found a way to help others that are dealing with similar situations and they along with others in your life need you.

    Since the day we met there have surely been ups and downs, white days and black days. When we go through the black times yes it is very hard at times but knowing that the white times are the best a man can ask for is what keeps me by your side…what makes me want to help in the black times(understand I may not always know what to do or say at that moment) but I want to help.

    I love you like I have honestly never loved before. You are my life and my future and will never run away. Have a great day!

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