Well shit got real again and this time I went to the hospital. Was in for about 4 days. The program has really changed since I’ve last been there. It wasn’t nearly as helpful but there were a couple of positives and some real negatives as well.
Looking back and with some talking with my social worker and filling out some paperwork, I recognized one of my biggest triggers and I came up with a plan to hopefully decrease that as a stressor. I started that today and already can see and feel it paying off.
I came home yesterday afternoon. I was so ready to come home and yet so afraid to face to world again; home, family, people, work.
Coming out I felt like a small pet in a new home. Or like a lost child. I was jumpy at everything, scared and nervous and a bit clingy to my boyfriend. I didn’t even want to drive.
I took today off from work yet and while I don’t feel quite ready, I’m going back tomorrow.
Yesterday and today I’ve been trying my hardest to do a few things. 1. Stay calm. Everything I do and feel is with so much intensity so I’m trying really hard to keep at a better level with everything. It’s very hard because it makes me feel lost. I don’t really know myself any other way. 2. Keep my stress low. I am trying to recognize what stresses me out and either figure out a way to lessen the stress, or just walking away and asking to put it on hold. 3. Lastly, I’m trying to talk more. Tell people how I feel, especially before a potential storm.
One thing I noticed while being in there is that my phone and all of the constant connections to the outside world are major stressors. I don’t even really like texting anymore. I hardly want my phone on anymore unless I’m out alone and may need it.
I hope to not have to go back but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t the last time.
I did learn a few other coping skills. Just simple things like coloring that really help to distract me and calm me down, so I think I should get myself some coloring supplies.
My psychiatrist has been amazing through everything and I’m really thankful to have found him.
I guess that’s all for now.