Out of inpatient

Well shit got real again and this time I went to the hospital. Was in for about 4 days. The program has really changed since I’ve last been there. It wasn’t nearly as helpful but there were a couple of positives and some real negatives as well.

Looking back and with some talking with my social worker and filling out some paperwork, I recognized one of my biggest triggers and I came up with a plan to hopefully decrease that as a stressor. I started that today and already can see and feel it paying off.

I came home yesterday afternoon. I was so ready to come home and yet so afraid to face to world again; home, family, people, work.

Coming out I felt like a small pet in a new home. Or like a lost child. I was jumpy at everything, scared and nervous and a bit clingy to my boyfriend. I didn’t even want to drive.

I took today off from work yet and while I don’t feel quite ready, I’m going back tomorrow. 

Yesterday and today I’ve been trying my hardest to do a few things. 1. Stay calm. Everything I do and feel is with so much intensity so I’m trying really hard to keep at a better level with everything. It’s very hard because it makes me feel lost. I don’t really know myself any other way. 2. Keep my stress low. I am trying to recognize what stresses me out and either figure out a way to lessen the stress, or just walking away and asking to put it on hold. 3. Lastly, I’m trying to talk more. Tell people how I feel, especially before a potential storm.

One thing I noticed while being in there is that my phone and all of the constant connections to the outside world are major stressors. I don’t even really like texting anymore. I hardly want my phone on anymore unless I’m out alone and may need it.

I hope to not have to go back but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t the last time.

I did learn a few other coping skills. Just simple things like coloring that really help to distract me and calm me down, so I think I should get myself some coloring supplies.

My psychiatrist has been amazing through everything and I’m really thankful to have found him.

I guess that’s all for now.


4 thoughts on “Out of inpatient

  1. It sounds like, although it may not have been the easiest of times, you made real progress. I also really admire you for taking these steps, and for your courage, both in going into hospital, and in facing the world again. I wish you the best of luck moving forward with the new knowledge you’ve gained. xx

  2. Hello
    It’s good to see you posting again- I did wonder what was happening and realised that no news was probably not good. I’m sorry to hear that you needed to go to hospital and that it wasn’t as helpful as it could have been. It does sound though that by going you kept safe and did find some of it constructive.

    I hope going back to work is okay; for me that would be hard as I’d feel the stigma even though I’d know I shouldn’t.

    I can relate to ‘phone stress’ I can’t use my phone at work and I like having that guilt free time when my personal life is on hold.

    I love feeling calm; I’d rather feel calm than on top of the world (probably because I fear it won’t last), I crave stability. My loved one likes extremes though and I find it hard to understand.

    Colouring has become really popular; I can see the appeal. I love being outside and away from people; I find the countryside healing.

    I’m glad you’ve got a good psychiatrist and that you’re home.


  3. Hello Mandi
    I hope you are doing well.

    Things have gone very wrong between me and my loved one and I’m finding it difficult to cope. Your blog has really helped me to understand BPD but right now I’m trying to put my loved one out of my mind and stop trying to guess what is going on for him. I think I should stop following your blog; however, I do not want to walk out on you, also I could do with a friend so if you would like to move this over to an email contact I’d like that.


    1. Hello. I’m very sorry to hear that. I appreciate your thinking of me in that way. If you want to keep chatting, just contact me through the form on my website that way neither of us need to publicize our email addresses. No offense taken if I don’t hear from you.

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