Seriously, fuck everyone. I am so fucking pissed right now.
I wish I had the ability to hurt people the way they make me hurt.
Why the fuck am I here. For absolutely nothing. Life is such a fucking waste. No one could even remotely begin to understand what it’s like being me.
I don’t even know what the fuck to do with myself right now and before anyone else tells me to go read or take a bath please know that if it were that easy I’d be the happiest person in the god damn world because I do happen to shower every day and I read quite often. I also color and WORK and we don’t happen to have bathtubs and bubbles in here. If it were so simple then there wouldn’t be mental illness. I’m going to go tell some cancer patients to take a bath and see how much better they feel. Hell, let’s just all jump in our tubs and cure the world.
Leave me the hell alone. Doesn’t seem to be that hard for some people.
I’m so tired. I don’t feel well. Mentally, physically. I don’t know if it’s related or not but my throat is hurting a little this morning.
Regardless, mentally I’m becoming a wreck. WTF!? Can’t I catch a fucking break? Everything is triggering me. EVERYTHING.
This is ridiculous, unfair, and exhausting. Wishing I was gone and am fantasizing about that day on my calendar.
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Ok. So I used to workout like crazy. At least an hour a day, sometimes more. I felt really good about myself, not even so much physically, but mentally. It felt good to do something healthy for myself and it just felt awesome. Then I did a Tough Mudder and once I was done, I didn’t even want to hear the word exercise. It was killer but a neat accomplishment. I told myself I’d just take a break but that break turned into a couple of years. Other than a light workout for dance class on Saturdays, I really have been doing nothing.
I started doing some work from home things for like 2 days that didn’t stick. I need something with a routine and something that really pushes me. I was going to face my fears and join a gym and then my boyfriend mentioned money and now I am back at square 1.
BUT, I could always just do Insanity again and go from there. He said I could claim the garage for an hour a day.
The problem? I have huge anxieties about someone walking in on me. I had this whole plan about how I was going to do the gym thing but I think if I just know that no one will walk in on me at home, I will be ok. At least after the first few times.
So Insanity, here I come.
So silence is usually an ok or a bad thing for me. I either haven’t snapped and I’m pushing through, or my life is falling to pieces.
Well it’s gone to shit here lately. I haven’t been well. Hallucinations I think have been better since I increased my one medicine, but I’ve been flying off the handle quite a bit lately. Just pure rage. Tremendous pain.
Last night was bad. Very bad. I don’t even want to really talk about it. I’ve just been trying to forget about it.
I’ve said this before and I will say it again: I am exhausted. Even when I am seemingly ‘happy’, I still feel so different and hurt inside and I don’t always know why.
I hope but don’t really think that will ever change. I am me. This is it. This is what my life is. I can only hope that the many years in therapy will someday pay off.
I’m exhausted. I exhaust myself. BPD exhausts me. I am me and even I want to leave me, how could anyone else want to stay? How could I even ask of such a thing?
This way of living is making me so tired. I feel like giving up. Just letting go of it all and giving up. I will work just to get by and play mom as best I can but I’m just over it all. It’s too hard.
Sometimes I wonder why I even try. I’m not sure I will ever get better and I don’t want to continue hurting and exhausting others so what the hell am I even doing.
So what do you do when the one person you’ve finally let in, decides that they don’t want to be there anymore and want you to figure out how to make it on your own. Talk about feeling abandoned.
It’s ok. I don’t need anyone anymore. Just don’t not understand when the girl you thought you knew becomes a stranger.
Do people seriously have no decency for others? This woman is laughing and talking out here and it’s annoying as fuck. Shut up, seriously. No one wants to fucking hear your personal conversation and laugh. It’s a fucking waiting room not a god damn social quarters. I hope one of us gets called back quickly because I feel like I could choke her with my mind right now.
I’m not sure what I’m feeling right now. I’m confused I know that. I feel like I just don’t care. Everything eventually ends. Why are we here. People come and go. Even our pets. What is the point? Why do I hurt so much? I don’t get it. I don’t understand humans. I don’t understand who I am, what I am, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m spacey and confused. That’s all I know. That and I feel like a ghost. Like invincible. Like I could walk in front of a car and nothing would happen. No one would even know they just drove through me.
I’m in the waiting room at therapy and I’m not sure what I’m doing here. I’ve got nothing to offer today. I don’t feel like talking.
What am I doing.