Life

I’m exhausted. I exhaust myself. BPD exhausts me. I am me and even I want to leave me, how could anyone else want to stay? How could I even ask of such a thing?

This way of living is making me so tired. I feel like giving up. Just letting go of it all and giving up. I will work just to get by and play mom as best I can but I’m just over it all. It’s too hard.

Sometimes I wonder why I even try. I’m not sure I will ever get better and I don’t want to continue hurting and exhausting others so what the hell am I even doing.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Life

  1. I don’t know if Borderlines can even do this, but, think about the the people who love you, like your children, and how it may effect them if you were gone…..is self absorption part of the disease? What about volunteering somewhere, like the school lunch or reading to small children at the library in kids section on days? Maybe feeling useful outside yourself will help give you purpose. The afterwards, treat yourself to a nice bubble bath or do your hair and makeup and go to some kind of activity, church, library, park.

    1. I personally. Ant do that when I’m not feeling well. It becomes my. Ew reality that truly those people would all. E fine and would barely notice. It means nothing. I don’t have time to do things like volunteering but that isn’t a bad idea. I do have a distress tolerance list with those very things on there but sometimes I’m too far gone and just need to ride the wave.

      1. No, those people would miss you so much, their love for you is unconditional and they want and need you, with all their hearts, they want to bring you joy. Please don’t give up. Explore what makes you smile and do more of that, then cry when it hurts. We all ride a rollercoaster of emotions every day, all feelings are ok, but it’s what we do with them that matter.

  2. My questions are not rhetorical, I really want to understand what you go through, I want to help balance a scale that seems way off center. I want to know what I can do to feed the loving tiger, the one that loves life and itself.

    1. I thought I was answering your questions. The biggest thing you can do for both her and yourself is to not take her episodes or behavior during those episodes, personally. It’s really not about you. It’s her illness. The better you can get at that, the better responses you will have and the better she may be able to see that you truly are not there to hurt her or abandon her.

    2. No one could even begin to help a non understand what we go through. It is pure hell. It is hell for you but imagine being the one with all of that living in your head. It’s like this demon that whispers to you constantly and out of nowhere starts screaming in your ear at an unexplainable volume. It takes over everything and then we are left with the damage it caused and figuring out how to put the pieces back together.

  3. Personally, I don’t like personality disorder labels at all. I see you as a very sensitive, caring person, and I resent reading comments that use a term such as “Borderlines” to describe a group of people who are all unique individuals. I really feel that such terms should be used to group people in order to provide the best possible support for them, or not used at all.

    I can definitely relate to emotional exhaustion. I’m supposed to be finishing something important at the moment, and I seem to lack any energy to try. Have you ever read about Dabrowski’s ideas around existential depression? This article is long, but I found some of the theory helpful: http://www.davidsongifted.org/Search-Database/entry/A10554
    I doubt you are exhausting others. It sounds like you are really trying to be the best possible parent for your children, and that motivation is a very wonderful thing, even though it may be incredibly hard for you to find right now. Please remember that depression colours everything so it seems like it will always be terrible, has always been terrible, and you cannot remember anything good. This isn’t as real as it seems (although there is nothing wrong with feeling like this). I think that you are far from alone from wanting to leave yourself, in the sense that many people see themselves more negatively than the view the world has of them, although I’m not claiming that others are experiencing the degree of pain you are feeling, nor that your experience isn’t uniquely valid. I really hope you can pull through and begin to see the wonderful qualities you have as a person again. Love. xxx

What say you?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s