Checking in

So silence is usually an ok or a bad thing for me. I either haven’t snapped and I’m pushing through, or my life is falling to pieces. 

Well it’s gone to shit here lately. I haven’t been well. Hallucinations I think have been better since I increased my one medicine, but I’ve been flying off the handle quite a bit lately. Just pure rage. Tremendous pain.

Last night was bad. Very bad. I don’t even want to really talk about it. I’ve just been trying to forget about it. 

I’ve said this before and I will say it again: I am exhausted. Even when I am seemingly ‘happy’, I still feel so different and hurt inside and I don’t always know why.

I hope but don’t really think that will ever change. I am me. This is it. This is what my life is. I can only hope that the many years in therapy will someday pay off.

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One thought on “Checking in

  1. The therapy may “pay off” someday, but, where we live is today. Find something in each day to hold on to, that you love, take a walk in the park, pet an animal, write a poem, paint a picture, nurture yourself today. Day by day it adds up to having a meaningful, somewhat pleasant life, explore to find your purpose, art, music, numbers, people, whatever it may be that brings you a sense of self expression. Just keep doing it, it will all add up someday to more living. The destination is the same for us all, it is the journey that matters. I know we all get frustrated and angry (rage) sometimes, bad things have happened to us and the ones we love….it hurts, we feel that pain, which is the proof we are not monsters, that we care for each other. Humans.

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