I’m not going to lie, I often fantasize or think about suicide. Sometimes it hurts to think about but sometimes it feels good. Like the end is a moment away if I want it to be. That’s never my intention though when I cut. I have another suicide method that I’d resort to. Cutting wouldn’t do it.
Mostly though, self harm is a release. Relief even. I’ve been wanting to do it but know I have people to answer to and that stops me but irritates me at the same time. I should be able to do what I want.
Why do I want to do it? It feels good. It releases all of the built up adrenaline and emotions and everything inside me that is bursting at the seems to get out. It all needs a way out and that seems to be the safest way. A cut on my skin and a little blood doesn’t even begin to hurt those around me like my BPD symptoms do. At least that’s what I believe.
Sure, there are some negative results. Sometimes I dissociate, but that usually happens anyway after a traumatic BPD episode. And yes, they are traumatic. But if dissociation is inevitable, then why not?
I’m tired. I guess there is also a level of distraction and feeling like I deserve the pain. Or to turn the emotional pain that seems to control me, into a physical pain one can see, that I control.
Food for thought.