You know what really is unfair? Having to ever contemplate which is worse: being alone and lonely for the rest of my life, or being in a loving relationship. They both hurt but which hurts less?
Too often I feel like being alone is the answer. I don’t have to worry about someone hurting me; intentionally or unintentionally. I don’t have to worry about them leaving me. The main thing though is the hurt. The unexpected or even expected triggers that sometimes take even me by surprise.
Every day is a battle to be as ok as possible. Hoping nothing happens that will scrape the already unbearable emotional burns. I’m not sure I’m ever really ok. I’m just not as bad as I could be, but it’s always there. The illness. Lurking around in my head and it never goes away.
Being in relationships is so painful and there seems to be no escape other than just choosing to be alone. And then there’s the whole, “Leave them before they can leave you” thing. The pain though? Unexplainable.
It’s unfair. Why should I have to choose something like that? Why can’t I just be normal and enjoy a good relationship because of a fucking mental illness that I swear is out to kill me. I even hesitate to say that it is loving or good because that makes me feel weak. What if it’s all just a manipulative illusion? What if it’s not what it seems? This is what I go through. The constant paranoia and distrust.
I wasn’t equipped for this. For good relationships. For love. It’s all I want in life and yet it’s the thing that hurts the most.