Here is another good one about what it’s like having BPD. I love the short conversation because I experience that all of the time. My brain hears and analyzes every single word and it sends me on a downward spiral. It’s why I don’t have friendships.
Recently in therapy I talked about my lack of friends. We came up with some ideas as to how I may be able to meet people and how I could work on this. I have a “friend” at work who I’ve spent time with outside of work and figured since I already have that with her, I would first work on growing that rather than starting from scratch with others.
I asked her if she wanted to do lunch and she told me how she was really busy in the month of November but in December for sure. She acted very excited. Well here we are in December and while I have passed her in the hallway numerous times, I feel like things are changing. Or I’m just worried that they are and I can feel myself pulling strongly away from her.
I’m so afraid that she really doesn’t want to go out or be my friend. And honestly this is where I get stuck. I am great at beginnings but then I like to cut things off because I’m just not sure what to do from there. Who should I be? What if they don’t like me? What if they’re a bad person? How do I continue this without my BPD getting in the way or getting hurt? I trust no one. She knows about my BPD and she has always been very supportive because her husband has bipolar. Now I’m worried though that she has changed her mind about me.
This hurts. I’ve always been this way even since I was little. Not sure what to do. It’s so scary. I am tired of feeling so alone.