So I’m just sitting here and just like that my brain flips its switch and I’m not fucking ok. What the fucking hell!!??

This is so fucking draining and I’m tired of being tortured by this bullshit. I wouldn’t care if I got into a car accident today and died. I’ve been wishing for something like that for a long time. Some sort of freak accident so I don’t have to be responsible for doing it to myself. It happens to people all the time, why not me?

Don’t give me the bullshit either that this just must be holiday stress or oh people love you and need you you’ll be fine. Not what I need to hear right now and if it were that fucking simple, no mental health diagnoses would exist.

So it’s ok for me to live like this every single fucking day of my god damn life but it’s not ok for me to want to end it, to end my suffering? Not sure who that makes more selfish.

I could break everything in my god damn sight right now.


6 thoughts on “

  1. Not all people are lucky enough to die when they get in terrible accidents or attempt suicide. Sometimes they are more maimed and victimized than ever. Were all going to die, we don’t always get to decided when our work here is done, if your here, there is a reason. God or Fate knows where to find you when it is your time, the only kinda choice you get is what are you going to be doing when your number is called. The time is predetermined, the actions/causes are not.

  2. I agree that it isn’t helpful when people tell you how you should feel, or that you have some obligation to be in pain for others’ sakes. I do genuinely think things will get better for you, and that it’s hard to see that when things are very bad, but that statement doesn’t in any way make things any better now. I can relate to the idea of wanting to be passively the victim of a lethal accident (although I am fortunate right now to not currently feel that way). I’m very sorry you are feeling that way though. No one should tell you that you shouldn’t feel the way you do. (They can tell you not to act on it, but the way you feel is perfectly valid and your own entitlement.) I can also relate to things (mental illness (if you like the concept), life, difficulties) being very draining at times, and often in ways that seem like they are enduring and won’t ever end. But, like I said, I think that if you can sit with the pain, it will get easier. I hope it gets a lot easier soon. I really do. xxx

  3. After reading through a lot of your posts. It’s one of the very few times I can say it but you… you completely understand. Word for word verbatim even your poems – have we met somewhere? Why do you sound so familiar? Want to be penpals? See how long that lasts?

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