Still gone

I’m still not fully here. It’s like standing by the ocean. Ocean representing life. It creeps up closer to me in the sand and I keep stepping back so it doesn’t touch my feet, but every once in a while I let it get a little closer without running away from it. But any slight feel of the coldness on my feet just feels too dangerous because I can think of all of the awful things the ocean is capable of if it pulls me in. So quickly I run further away from it. It’s just not worth the risk and I’m just fine out in the sand where there are seashells and warmth and I can see everything around me. That ocean though. Just a few small steps in and your feet can no longer be seen. The further you go the less you can see and the higher the chance of something bad happening.

I hate the ocean. Maybe this is why.

I’m not ready to get back in. I’m tired of the in and out and as of right now I’m not even interested in getting my toes wet. I’d rather stay in the sand where nothing can hurt me and I can see clearly. I might be alone but I don’t care. There are others like me out there.

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2 thoughts on “Still gone

  1. I understand that sandy ocean where you can’t see your feet, then my daughter took me to a different place, a beach with white sand and clear water, I was up to my shoulders and laughing because when I looked down at my feet I could see my toes wiggle. I decided to move to a different ocean, it will be a while before I can get there, but, just knowing where I want to be, and respectively where I do not want to be, is invigorating.

    1. I’ve been to an ocean like that before but life isn’t clear and calm. In my eyes and what I am familiar with is an unclear uncertain and unstable mass of waves. I just don’t think I have it in me. I’m very ready to give up.

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