To You

I guess I just want to say that I know I am not easy to be with. At all. I’m difficult, I’m more than a handful, I’m mean, and I’m just not well. I can’t imagine how unhappy you must be and probably even how hurt you are, and most likely just dissatisfied all around. That scares the shit out of me, and yet I can’t seem to fix myself.

I go to therapy, I take my meds, I try to do things like my binder and I just feel like I’m getting nowhere. You’re right. When I am “ok”, I can’t be bothered with anything in fear of being triggered. When I’m not ok, well, I’m just not ok and all hell is breaking loose. I can’t control myself. I hope one day I can, but I will be honest in saying that I am really losing hope, or maybe I’ve already lost it.

Since I can remember, at very young ages even, I’ve been dealing with these issues. They’ve only grown into a bigger monster the older I get. I’ve often read that as I get older, the symptoms may get better, but it seems to be quite the opposite. I’m getting worse and I feel like I have absolutely no control over it.

While it isn’t showing itself as a good thing in terms of how I feel about you, I do know that this is all being triggered by how good I DO feel about you. It is terrifying. I love you and inside me I know that you are a good guy, but it goes against everything I know and believe in, or don’t believe in. It goes against all past experiences and pretty much everything I’ve ever known in my entire life. I never really believed in love. I knew I could feel emotions like that, but I don’t understand that other people could or do feel things like that. Especially for me. It doesn’t make sense to me that someone could possibly feel for me what I feel for them. If people felt as intensely as I do, why am I the only one acting out? I know I am different.

The very first writing on my blog is explaining why I chose the name ‘Beautifully Borderline’. I read it often and I try to believe even my own words, but I know that the ‘white’ side of things rarely comes out. Even when it does, I second guess myself constantly. Is this just another symptom? Is this fake? Is this just another episode but on the opposite end of the spectrum? Is ‘it’ fooling me? It must be because it’s always wreaking havoc in my life and I can’t trust anything, because I can’t even trust myself. I rely on the world for cues about how I should be, but nothing seems to feel right because I just don’t ever feel right. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin because I don’t know who this person is. I feel like I am constantly trying to figure myself out, to get to know myself, but I’m constantly changing and so I can’t seem to figure me out. Who I am one minute, or one day, may be totally different than who I am the next minute or day. I jump from thing to thing in search of ‘the answer’ to all of my problems. Fixes. Remedies. The next shiny new object to keep my attention for a little while hoping that maybe, just maybe this time this will work out for me and I’ll have found at least one of my missing pieces, but none of them seem to fit. Nothing seems to make me better.

I don’t feel equipped to love you. How can I do something I don’t understand? It’s not fair to you and maybe this is my self-sabotage but I sometimes just hope you will leave me and get it over with. I hate myself more and more for how mean and hurtful I am to you. It’s like sitting back and watching someone ruin my life, except that someone is me. It’s this thing in me. This thing I can’t get rid of or control. I’m constantly on the edge of my seat waiting for the hurt that I’m so sure you will cause because that’s just how it goes. Eventually you will get tired. You will get tired of being my punching bag. You will get tired of not feeling what you need to feel and just having your needs unmet all of the time. No one can do this forever and I’m not stupid. You can’t make something rotten, fresh again. And that’s me. I feel rotten.

I never should have been on the search for you and I feel like a bad person for it. I don’t deserve it and all I’m doing is ruining your life. This isn’t my seeking out of a pity party, this is just the truth. You deserve what you are looking for and eventually you will go find it. I don’t blame you.

I think you’re amazing. At least I hope you are what I think you are. It’s too scary to just believe it. There is always bad even in the good and I can’t even let myself think of that without wanting to fly off into a fit of rage because it hurts me so badly. I’m tired of hurting. My mind needs perfection so it doesn’t get hurt, but that doesn’t exist. And unfortunately, I don’t know how to handle anything else. I wasn’t made for life. For living like other people do. I feel like all I do is try to survive just one more minute, one more day. I don’t enjoy anything because I’m constantly in such emotional pain.

I know you read my blog but I feel like that’s just you reading my anger and not really getting inside my head in terms of how I truly feel it relates to you. I don’t even know what my point is anymore. This went from something with good intentions, to a sounding like a breakup letter, to what now feels like a suicide note.

I know you don’t like hearing or reading about those things, but this is me. This is what I go through. This is what life is for me. This is it, and it’s no good. I feel like I am some sort of evil that is just infecting your life with poison. You don’t deserve that. If you told just one person how I am, they would tell you to get the hell away from me…if that hasn’t already happened. I think it has.

I just got a not so nice comment on my blog today. I marked it as spam and moved on but the truth is, it hurt. I guess it hurt because in a sense I believe that it’s true. I used to defend myself because I can’t help how I am. I didn’t choose this. But I am starting to believe what I am reading. I really am an awful person and I shouldn’t be around others, and I’m tired of not being able to function and for affecting others the way that I do.

I have one, or two, wishes in life. The first one is to be better, permanently, like other people. That isn’t happening and so I wish to not exist at all. Those are my options. If you felt like me, those would be your options too.

I love you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for who and how I am. I’m sorry I’m not enough. I’m sorry because I believe that one day I won’t be here. You don’t want to hear it, I know, but I plan. I plan for the end. Sometimes it is the only hope I have. The only light shining at the end of this tormenting tunnel. The only thing that gets me through one more day, because it’s one more day closer to the end of this pain.

I’m sorry again.

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2 thoughts on “To You

  1. The most important love, is to love yourself first. You are valuable and important. Fall in love with you, and all your amazing angles and how fun would skiing be if all the ground were flat? Where would the river run? Where would the sea end and land begin? You are the mountains that only the brave and courageous yearn to climb, you make scenery varied and beautiful. the sharp peaks and winding roads. That is life, that is you, you beautiful borderline.

  2. DATING A BORDELINE

    Dating someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)…

    First let me say this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I met the most amazing woman ever 7 months ago. The woman I have searched for my whole adult life. After a little while I was told of her BPD. As her symptoms set in over a little while I was initially in shock, then I learned more about BPD little by little. Some from her some from reading up on it. As time passed and I learned more, I also learned more about her and who she is. I fell in love! I knew the woman inside her was my forever and I also knew that it would take work and commitment to help her be that woman. As we grew closer I fell even harder in love. I fell more in love then I ever had before. Did I ever love other people yes, but never like this. Never did I want to be with someone as much as her. Never did I want to spend
    My whole life with someone as much as her. As my love grew so did her love for me. As her love for me grew so did her BPD “issues” (not the best term but her and I agreed to call them that). Her love gree so much that her BPD took control. Always picturing me doing the worst possible things. Never allowing her to fully open up and share herself with me. Never letting me be the rock she so desperately needs. She had been hurt in the past by “men” (boys in my mind) who used her BPD as an out to hide their misbehaviors. That she was imagining things, her mind was distorted late only to find they were in fact cheating or breaking her trust in other ways. I on the other hand have been on her side since day one always trying to help her better herself. Have I said things that trigger her yes noone is perfect but I never said anything intentional. Things I may have said were meaningless and innocent fun to me and other “normal” people but to her they are triggers. I never want to hurt her! I would never do anything to contradict the extent of the love I have for her!

    Now she is done and can’t handle the amount of emotional attachment we have. It is killing me inside. If she only knew what I would give to make her happy. If she could only see clearly she would see I’m not like those boys. I’m a MAN in love with this WOMAN and never want to be without her.

    Living With BPD is beyond what most people can relate to.

    Loving someone with BPD is beyond what the one with this illness can comprehend.

    If you love someone with BPD… do everything you can to help them. Be there when they need you, they will!!! Be prepared for hard times. Be prepared because it will be the hardest journey of your life.

    I’m still here not giving up on us. Please let me love you. You will thank yourself later!!!

    I Love You

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