I guess I just want to say that I know I am not easy to be with. At all. I’m difficult, I’m more than a handful, I’m mean, and I’m just not well. I can’t imagine how unhappy you must be and probably even how hurt you are, and most likely just dissatisfied all around. That scares the shit out of me, and yet I can’t seem to fix myself.
I go to therapy, I take my meds, I try to do things like my binder and I just feel like I’m getting nowhere. You’re right. When I am “ok”, I can’t be bothered with anything in fear of being triggered. When I’m not ok, well, I’m just not ok and all hell is breaking loose. I can’t control myself. I hope one day I can, but I will be honest in saying that I am really losing hope, or maybe I’ve already lost it.
Since I can remember, at very young ages even, I’ve been dealing with these issues. They’ve only grown into a bigger monster the older I get. I’ve often read that as I get older, the symptoms may get better, but it seems to be quite the opposite. I’m getting worse and I feel like I have absolutely no control over it.
While it isn’t showing itself as a good thing in terms of how I feel about you, I do know that this is all being triggered by how good I DO feel about you. It is terrifying. I love you and inside me I know that you are a good guy, but it goes against everything I know and believe in, or don’t believe in. It goes against all past experiences and pretty much everything I’ve ever known in my entire life. I never really believed in love. I knew I could feel emotions like that, but I don’t understand that other people could or do feel things like that. Especially for me. It doesn’t make sense to me that someone could possibly feel for me what I feel for them. If people felt as intensely as I do, why am I the only one acting out? I know I am different.
The very first writing on my blog is explaining why I chose the name ‘Beautifully Borderline’. I read it often and I try to believe even my own words, but I know that the ‘white’ side of things rarely comes out. Even when it does, I second guess myself constantly. Is this just another symptom? Is this fake? Is this just another episode but on the opposite end of the spectrum? Is ‘it’ fooling me? It must be because it’s always wreaking havoc in my life and I can’t trust anything, because I can’t even trust myself. I rely on the world for cues about how I should be, but nothing seems to feel right because I just don’t ever feel right. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin because I don’t know who this person is. I feel like I am constantly trying to figure myself out, to get to know myself, but I’m constantly changing and so I can’t seem to figure me out. Who I am one minute, or one day, may be totally different than who I am the next minute or day. I jump from thing to thing in search of ‘the answer’ to all of my problems. Fixes. Remedies. The next shiny new object to keep my attention for a little while hoping that maybe, just maybe this time this will work out for me and I’ll have found at least one of my missing pieces, but none of them seem to fit. Nothing seems to make me better.
I don’t feel equipped to love you. How can I do something I don’t understand? It’s not fair to you and maybe this is my self-sabotage but I sometimes just hope you will leave me and get it over with. I hate myself more and more for how mean and hurtful I am to you. It’s like sitting back and watching someone ruin my life, except that someone is me. It’s this thing in me. This thing I can’t get rid of or control. I’m constantly on the edge of my seat waiting for the hurt that I’m so sure you will cause because that’s just how it goes. Eventually you will get tired. You will get tired of being my punching bag. You will get tired of not feeling what you need to feel and just having your needs unmet all of the time. No one can do this forever and I’m not stupid. You can’t make something rotten, fresh again. And that’s me. I feel rotten.
I never should have been on the search for you and I feel like a bad person for it. I don’t deserve it and all I’m doing is ruining your life. This isn’t my seeking out of a pity party, this is just the truth. You deserve what you are looking for and eventually you will go find it. I don’t blame you.
I think you’re amazing. At least I hope you are what I think you are. It’s too scary to just believe it. There is always bad even in the good and I can’t even let myself think of that without wanting to fly off into a fit of rage because it hurts me so badly. I’m tired of hurting. My mind needs perfection so it doesn’t get hurt, but that doesn’t exist. And unfortunately, I don’t know how to handle anything else. I wasn’t made for life. For living like other people do. I feel like all I do is try to survive just one more minute, one more day. I don’t enjoy anything because I’m constantly in such emotional pain.
I know you read my blog but I feel like that’s just you reading my anger and not really getting inside my head in terms of how I truly feel it relates to you. I don’t even know what my point is anymore. This went from something with good intentions, to a sounding like a breakup letter, to what now feels like a suicide note.
I know you don’t like hearing or reading about those things, but this is me. This is what I go through. This is what life is for me. This is it, and it’s no good. I feel like I am some sort of evil that is just infecting your life with poison. You don’t deserve that. If you told just one person how I am, they would tell you to get the hell away from me…if that hasn’t already happened. I think it has.
I just got a not so nice comment on my blog today. I marked it as spam and moved on but the truth is, it hurt. I guess it hurt because in a sense I believe that it’s true. I used to defend myself because I can’t help how I am. I didn’t choose this. But I am starting to believe what I am reading. I really am an awful person and I shouldn’t be around others, and I’m tired of not being able to function and for affecting others the way that I do.
I have one, or two, wishes in life. The first one is to be better, permanently, like other people. That isn’t happening and so I wish to not exist at all. Those are my options. If you felt like me, those would be your options too.
I love you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for who and how I am. I’m sorry I’m not enough. I’m sorry because I believe that one day I won’t be here. You don’t want to hear it, I know, but I plan. I plan for the end. Sometimes it is the only hope I have. The only light shining at the end of this tormenting tunnel. The only thing that gets me through one more day, because it’s one more day closer to the end of this pain.
I’m sorry again.