No title

I don’t have a title for this one. It’s just me putting some thoughts onto some virtual paper.

My boyfriend and I broke up. I broke up with him. The pain and stress I go through was just too much to handle anymore and it was the only way I knew to get rid of it. To my knowledge, he didn’t do anything wrong but the triggers I’ve had and my paranoia, it’s hard for me to not paint him as evil.

It’s hard to be around him. When we are just being like friends I can mostly handle it but when there is a glimpse of something more it freaks me out all over again.

I’m not sure what I’m thinking and feeling about it because mentally and emotionally I just need a break. So I try not to think about it and focus on the fact that it’s over and I don’t have to worry anymore. 

Am I making a dumb decision? Possibly. Will I one day regret it? Who knows. Maybe, maybe not. Will I be ok? Yes. I think so. Relief is my goal. It’s unfortunate but that’s my reality.

4 thoughts on “No title

  1. I don’t know what will happen, or if you will regret it, but I can relate to feeling enormous emotional strain and upheaval around relationships. In case it helps (and sorry for dragging the topic onto me if not!), I struggle a lot with the shame my mother inculcated arising from the idea that every decision I make must somehow be “right” and if things don’t go perfectly, it is almost certainly my fault (at least in the message she conveyed), and that I could have made a “better” choice. In reality, I have found that there is not a perfect answer in most situations, and that I can only weigh up the factors and make a choice based on the information I have.
    I also believe that it is the case that decisions you make now don’t have to determine the rest of your life; that you are a very lovable person; and that the place you are in now doesn’t mean you won’t be in a much better place in terms of mental health in the future.
    None of these are me saying I do or don’t approve of your decision. (I approve on the grounds that it is your life and your choice and you have clearly thought about this.) I guess my point is really to say that I support you in living your life, as yourself, and without unnecessary shame.

  2. Honestly if you feel like you emotionally need a break then maybe it’s for the best and hopefully he can understand that. Maybe in the future your feelings will change, maybe they won’t. In early April last year my bf broke up with me and I was devastated. He’s bipolar. At the time, I don’t think he was managing very well as he had some dips in his mood ever so often. I’m also bipolar so I can pick up on the signs, as well as understand what he may have been feeling/going through. I felt as though it might have just been a result of him not coping well, but I was still heartbroken even though I understood things from his end. Not much I could have done but give him his space and hope for the best. During that time, he did things to help himself and I just focused on school since I had exams coming up. Fast forward a bit, we talk things out, take it slowly, and we’ve been together since working it out near the end of April (I know short time frame but it fixed itself). The reason I share this is because for him, he felt like he just could not be in relationship mode for whatever reason. Sometimes we talk about it now and he just does not have a rational reason for it. And it happens. Sometimes we just act on our feelings without a reason, and honestly, I can’t fault either you or him for doing so, because there are moments in life when we have to do things for ourselves and make us the focus rather than everyone else. And it’s okay. Right now just take the time for you. If you change your mind later, hopefully he understands your situation and how our minds can work sometimes. I wish you all the best! And happy new year!

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